9/10/02 I was going in to work at noon. I'd just come downstairs after my shower and the kids were at school. I turned on some show, and was messing around drinking coffee when the news came on. I sank onto the couch, watching the horror of a live terrorist attack on my country. I watched as they explained that tower one had fallen. Nobody had any idea yet that tower two was about to go. It was all live. Then I, and many others, watched in disbelief as the second one went down. Like a fucking domino. The noise, the screams, the dust, the smoke. The people running and falling and jumping. Disbelief in the voices of those reporting.

I am not religious. I only pray about certain things - I think God is too busy. But tomorrow morning my son and I will pray that the survivors and families get some relief. Just like we did for Oklahoma City. And all of these. What is it like to be a kid today? Is it scarier? Is it the same? I remember being frightened about things, but somehow I don't think it's the same.

To all the people who helped, and reported, and called from inside, and made sandwiches, and went in to rescue people, and let someone get in front of you on that staircase (especially those last two,) Thank You. God bless you.

9/09/02 ...ipconfig/all...

The fabulous home network that worked for one day went down. I had to take Abby's computer off and reconnect mine only. Fuck. Because "T" thot I had to have another NIC, my IP addresses got all screwed up somehow, I had to call the cable people and have them switch it around. He also forgot, apparently, to reset IE to not dial up; the dial-up box kept popping up all the time. Only took an hour. *sigh*

"J" was really coming on strong at work; he wants us to be a "team" and be "on the same page" and blah de blah. I told him I am all for what's "right" and "fair" and if I have all the info, I can decide. I started watching "B" today and she does take forever to do anything. I think it's just becuz she's old and her mind is somewhere else. But she's nowhere near the other old lady I worked with at the old job. It took that one ten minutes to walk from the front of the store to the back!

I told him I just wasn't sure whether I was going to stay in retail or not - I wish I could find a job in computers somehow, but I'm a designer and HTML coder, and there's no call for that in this burg. I'd have to commute, and lose more kid-time. Life is one big weenie. I think I'm going to have to move, maybe next year B4 Johnny gets too old. But how can I take him away from everything he's ever known?

My folks made us move all the time. We moved 5 times by the time I reached High School. I never could keep any friends for any length of time. I don't know if that's specifically my problem, but I swore to try different things to try and give my kids more stability. Then again, I'm much kinder and more easy-going than my parents, so maybe that makes up for it? And they will be OK? Shit. Fuck.

9/08/02 Blah. Blah blah blah. Worked all day, came home. Got a call from the alarm people who said the alarm went off at work, could I meet the cops down there? I did. Came home. Got another call. Went down there. Noticed the A/C was blowing a banner around in the front of the store. Motion must be setting off alarm. Shut off A/C. No calls so far. Jeez!

"T" got the network running. Had to buy another card- who knew? Thanks "T." It's still acting funny, but it's much faster and it works.

Abby's still hobbling around, but says it feels better.

Ordered the software for my camera. It has to come snail-mail. Poo. But it's coming. Soon you will see my life in all its glory.

Domain etc. will have to wait. Spent too much networking the comps and buying Yu-gi-Oh cards for Johnny & Isaac. But soon - soon I will be

No word from the ex about moving down here. I think he's changed his mind. Prolly got back with his GF. I'm prolly stuck with this gigantic mortgage and will have to dig out of the hole- again.

No word from "B." But after the first night, the open-wound thing seems to have gone away. The real test: play some of the songs that remind me of him. Haven't had the balls yet.

The cold is-a-comin' and I am so not ready. Another freezing winter in the old farmhouse on Park. Can't find any of Johnny's long pants n' stuff. Where did I put them?? Where are my space heaters? How do you put a wick in a big fat round kerosene heater? Need... insulation.


9/07/02 Had a long and very boring day at work. "J" must suspect that I'm totally not with the bathroom-sniffing program, cuz he sat me down and told me how we have to present a united front and how he wants me to be involved in all this other stuff, etc.etc. My impression: covering zee ass.

Went to see the Daycare Swindlers cuz they were in town and my kids go to see them all the time. It was kinda fun, I'm sure I was the oldest person there besides the actual band. Losta cute little pre-teens with pink hair. No alcohol (come on now!) But it was cool to hang with my daughter and son for a coupla hours. Saw a bunch of their friends who I hadn't seen in a while.

Abby got a flat tire and sprained her ankle on the way home. Jeez! "T" from work is coming over to see if he can get this network up and running...wish me luck. Tried to get my domain registered yesterday but couldn't get the forms to do what I wanted them to do. I freakin' hate paypal. It is such a pain in the ass.

And how was your day?

9/06/02 I am back up! Who knew it could make me so happy? I called the tech line at my cable provider and BAM! a guy, whoever it was, got me back online. I LOVE HIM. How many addictions do I have? Scared.

9/06/02 Well, what did I get done? Nada. Zilch. Zero. Nothing. I found a CD burner, which I got installed, then burned one. Then Abby and I get the bright idea that we're going to network our two computers together, so she can use the cable modem and not tie up the phone line all the time. So we get an ethernet cable and a hub and go at it. It is now 6 hours later and she still can't get online, and guess what? Neither can I! Somehow we screwed up everything. Mine was working OK until we let Mark have a go at it. He's my son's best friend, and pretty good at computers..we were desperate...I thot he would pull it off. But when he was done, neither one worked! ACK! Now what am I gonna do? I had big plans for getting my domain and downloading MT tonite, but - NO. I'll figure it out somehow, I always do *rolling eyes towards the heavens*

9/06/02 I eat salsa and chips at 8:30 in the morning. Am I a freak or what? Hey -it's my day off.

Things I should do today:

Cut the grass
Pay that ticket
Register the car
Take a nap
Pay the cable bill
Pay the electric bill

Things I want to do today:

Register the domain I thot of (and it's available)
Download and install MT
Buy a new CD burner
Get the XP driver I need for my camera

How geeky can I get? Apparently, very.

9/05/02 Oh please give me a little more, and I'll push away those baby blues
Blind Melon

Vodka and Diet Pepsi Twist with Lemon rules!

My kitty has a way of walking between my feet as I go about my bizness. I make sure her bowls are filled, and she has water, and she gets her "treat," which is a saucerful of milk, every night when I get home. But still she wants attention. If you don't do what she wants, she grabs your ankles and tenderly bites you. You know, just to steer you in the right direction. I love her, but it pisses me off. How am I supposed to know which thing she wants? And I already deal with Johnny and what he wants. Maybe I shouldn't have a cat. Maybe I am a bad person. Whatever.


Kill me. Kill me.

9/04/02 HOLY CRAP

The way things are going at work I don't think I'm gonna be a hardware princess much longer. The shit I witnessed today is just psycho. I know you won't believe me, but here goes:

"J," the manager, has in for "B." She is an older lady, kinda set in her ways, but useful cuz she knows alot about the place, and she can cover the front end when I'm busy. She moves kinda slow, and has her own way of doing things, but WTF, right? She's nice and easy to get along with. "J" thinks she's lazy, and that she disappears for periods of time and hides out so she won't have to work. He's been trying to document her goof-offs, I guess so he can fire her.

Well, today he tells me that she was in the bathroom for 12 minutes. He timed her! Then he tells me that after she left the bathroom, he went in there and smelled the air to see if she had a BM. (He figured that might take 12 minutes.) Holy fucking Jesus Christ in a handbasket.

He looks at me and says all proud-like: "That's just one of my tricks." WHAAAAAT!! I just stared at him. What can you say to such a disgusting thing? I asked him what he thot she was doing in there. He says, "hiding, trying to get out of work."

Of course I told "B." If that's what this operation does to catch people goofing off, count me out. I knew it was weird there, but-

I've been looking for another job for about 3 weeks now. "B" is looking now also. I wonder what they say about me behind my back? Shit, I hope they haven't gone into the bathroom after me- there are a few times when they might've dropped dead.

9/03/02 I am downloading a bunch of songs for my sister who wants them on a CD. I am reading thru my back posts to find all the bad things I hated about "B." I went to the staff meeting at work, and managed to blend into the background, mostly. I talked to Abby's boyfriend, Danny, all day long. I was off, and he is unemployed. So he actually came downstairs today and talked to me! Usually he plays Diablo all day long and ties up my phone line. I thot it was pretty brave of him.

He gave me some good advice about "B." Since it was from a guy's POV, I am believing it. In other words, life goes on.

9/03/02 This is a bummer. Link from Bread.
Cool. Check out the flash movies.
Link from fark.

9/03/02 Thank God for real people

You know the best part about the whole weekend? After we woke up the next morning, I went downstairs to brush my teeth. The bathroom was taken, so I waited outside. Out comes "L," with his cute little dreadlocked head and wearing nothing but boxer shorts; we look at each other, and both of us break into big shit-eating grins.

9/02/02 "You don't love her." "Well, I love parts of her!"
There's Something About Mary

I called up and asked for my watch. He said he would deliver. I came out from work to find watch and T-shirt thrown across the front seat of my car as if he did a drive-by.

Pain. pain. pain. deep pain. crying. a narrow room of sadness. how could I have fooled myself so badly?

Here is what I am telling myself:

I am really a lucky person.
I get alot of chances most people probably don't get.
I have a lot of people who care about me.
I have a lot of people who love me.
Even if trying stuff gives you pain, it's OK.
I knew what I was getting into.
Hey it'll make a good memory.
Hey it makes a good memory.
I'm a big girl, I can take it.

theleowoman Now who wouldn't want this? So what if I cuss like sailor?

9/01/02 How come everybody want to keep it like the kaiser? Give it away now

OK, I'm just going to pretend that you're my really close girlfriend, and tell you what happened this weekend, and you tell me what you think. (Already I am thinking that this is not good, because in the past if I had to go crying to a GF, it never turned out well.)*sigh*

So I go to the show, after "B" invited me down there, and invited me to stay with him afterward. Then he starts acting like all casual. I think he wanted the others to think I just showed up on my own. He did come talk to me on the breaks, tho.

Then after the show he was talking to some girl for a long time, and I didn't know anybody, so I was sitting there alone. Finally I went over there, cuz it was about time I Ieft if they were going home together. So when I walk up he tells me right away that this girl is "L's" friend, etc. and asks me to come over and party with them at his house.

So it ends up me, "B" and the two of them over at the house. We hang around and talk for a while. Then we go to bed in our respective rooms.

Next morning we lay around talking. I mention that after Ab gets out in her own apartment, I'm thinking about moving somewhere else, where there's more action. So he says, real quick, "Where do think you'd like to live? Charlottesville?" and I'm like, "I dunno..." I just wasn't expecting the sharp tone of voice. It was weird, I think it meant something. I just don't know what.

He called me baby a coupla times. He seemed jealous that the ex was moving back here. It was like he was holding something back. When I told him I was thinking about him last month, he said "Oh, now I'm going to worry about you" like it was a bad thing. And I said "just be flattered" and he said, "No, I want you to think good thoughts when you think of me, not be sad." I guess I didn't get the point across that it was good thoughts. Just kinda bittersweet, you know, missing somebody who you like.

When I left he hugged me like I was his Grandma.

I left my watch down there (unintentionally, I swear!) so now I have to figure out how to get it back. It's a hundred-dollar watch! I hope he doesn't think it was on purpose.

I have learned to be grateful for what I get in life and this has certainly been (kick-ass great partying sweet loving warm in bed smooth skin hot man) really fuckin' nice.

Anyways, GF, what do you think?

I remember once he said he doesn't "do" one-night stands. So I think he has real feelings for me. But he doesn't want to get too involved, cuz he's travelling all the time for gigs and stuff. He knows I'm stuck at home with the kids. And he doesn't want me (or is it himself) to get hurt.

But let me ask you this, GF: If I can't stop thinking about it, can he? Come on, is he playing it cool? Tonight when my son laid a big fat wet one on my lips I about recoiled from the shock- it put me back there last night and it was freaky. Can another human go thru stuff like that and not feel anything?

No, GF. They just don't admit to it.


8/30/02 Horoscope for August 30, 2002
Dear K, Love and romance is in the air for you tonight, so feel free to let loose, K. You may find that instead of being a passive, gentle, soft kind of love, the emotion you feel is more forceful, passionate, and aggressive. Roll with this feeling as you seduce the object of your desire. Feel free to take charge in the bedroom as you lure your mate with your fantastic love for life and desire to simply have a good time.

I most certainly will.

I am heading down to the club now. MUAHAHAHAHA

8/30/02 Watched the MTV Video Music Awards last nite - strange things. Girls looking slutty- Hip-hop gone wild with jumping shoe-like banana-shaped thingys - but I gotta comment on the Hives. I like it- it's wild and stuff. But the singer had his hair done. I know he did. I guess that's what people do when they get on big shows like that. But I am fondly recalling Soul Asylum's performance (more than?) a few years ago- the torn-up jeans and the Gumby T-shirt? That's real. Maybe too real, but- still.

And oh yeah - Justin Timberlake's gonna go postal one of these days. Mark my words.

8/29/02 I love my Mom

I called up my Mom at 8 AM and borrowed $1177.56 to pay my mortgage, due to the fact(s) that my daughter started college and needed stuff, and my son started school and needed stuff, and my ex (who is supposed to pay half) had his check garnished for back taxes this week. I broke down crying and felt humiliated. But Mom- God bless her - she was cool.

Then I went to work at 9:30 this morning (with puffy-eye syndrome) for a meeting with a vendor who did not materialize until 11:00. (I was not due in till noon, but who's counting?) I put up with husband-boss's shit all day till 5. So I worked a total of 11.5 hours today. Got home and had to plunge the downstairs toilet (my 8-yr old- Jeez!) The ex called at 9:30 when I was putting said boy to bed and said "Are you seeing that guy again?" This is after three years. Do you think it's any of his freakin' business? I didn't think so. And how did he know?

Got a call from "B" today at work. He wanted to know if I'm coming to any of the Charlottesville shows. I said, yeah, I was thinkin' about coming tomorrow night, since J-boy will be with his Dad, and did he want to hang out afterwards? "YES." (twice) Whoo-hoo! I am not a lame loser looking out for some guy who doesn't like her. I have a friend. With benefits. *grinning*

8/28/02 I worked all day yesterday on a website. I'm trying to help out a friend. Lotta, lotta work. I hope he likes it, or it was all for nothing. Did I mention that I'm trying to get a side-business going? So I can afford to live?

Found a funny site: chickenhead. I laughed at everything on this site. Made my day. In other chicken news, the wonderchicken is taking a hiatus *making sad face* good luck to him.

The people across the street are having a huge fight. Why do they always wait till 11:00?

8/27/02 Lyrics lifted from rageboy
The Offspring, their latest

In my own simple way
I think he wants me only
He said "Come over right away"
But he's just not that way
His little soul is stolen
See him put on his brand new face

Peek thru shades
Razor blades
You're so fragile
I hate you but love you more
I'm so elastic
The things you say
The games you play
Dirty magic

I am in some pain.
I am finally drunk enough to go to sleep.


8/26/02 I painted the porch today with paint defected from the hardware store (read: free) and I did not realize it was oil-based. This means that it doesn't wash of with soap and water. Of course you knew that. But in my usual haste and zest to get things done, I just opened it up and started slapping it on. Soon I was covered with greenish-tealish-greyish stuff that won't come off. Finally I discovered some paint thinner out in the shed and that did it. But I have heard that if you use stuff like that, it goes right thru your skin to your liver and wreaks havoc in there. Great, that's just what my liver needs.

The porch looks great. But we can't walk on it for 24 hours, and the back door is closed off - my brilliance in putting up a new wall in the kitchen last fall- so I may have to blast thru there. I already tiptoed on the paint becuz I left my cigs out in the car. D'oh!

Found a cool thingy over at BobtheCorgi, so I'm now going to tell you what's in my purse:

black leather wallet with all kinds of cards, receipts, and $24 cash
2 old paystubs
little oval sunglasses (black) I had a case...
6 pennies in bottom
tube of max factor ivory rose foundation (using this for 15 years now)
subway club card (almost filled)
ticket stubs from scooby doo (seen with my 8-yr old)
bottle of boston complete contact lens solution
contacts case (when wearing these, replace with black-rimmed modified cat-eye glasses, I had a case...)
tub of carmex (also a 15 year veteran)
3 pens, cheapo
advil in a tylenol tube
wet-n-wild indigo eye pencil (yeah- 15 years)
car and house key on pink flamingo keychain (ceramic, not chipped yet)
14k ankle bracelet (mother's day present) in baggie (broken clasp) i've been meaning to drop off at jewelers

Yes, I am pared down.

8/25/02 The highlights of my day:

My so...freakin'...cute. My eight year old is worried about going back to school. He says his stomach is fluttery. He was doing push-ups and sit-ups and reps with cans of vegetables so he'll be ready for the Presidential Physical Fitness Test. He packed up his new backpack and laid out his clothes (his new dragon-and-lizard shirt, of course) and he even packed his lunch while I was at work today (now that's a good kid.) He's worried becuz all the friends he made last year are in different classes this year. Only 4 are in his class this year. If he only knew how irresistably sweet and charming he really is...


Husband-boss accidentally(?) touched my breast while touching my arm - AGAIN. Fucker.
Yelled at Johnny (the irresistably cute) this morning cuz he was whining when I had to leave for work (BAD MOM)
Abby stopped by
Couldn't DL a driver cuz my credit card was .37 short
Saw the following lyrics on demented and sad, but social:

Dead leaves and the dirty ground
when I know you're not around
shiny tops and soda pops
when I hear your lips make a sound

Thirty notes in the mailbox
will tell you that I'm coming home
and I think I'm gonna stick around
for a while so you're not alone

If you can hear a piano fall
you can hear me coming down the hall
if I could just hear your pretty voice
I don't think I need to see at all

Soft hair and a velvet tongue
I want to give you what you give to me
and every breath that is in your lungs
is a tiny little gift to me

I didn't feel so bad till the sun went down
then I come home
no one to wrap my arms around

Well any man with a microphone
can tell you what he loves the most
and you know why you love at all
if you're thinking of the holy ghost
White Stripes from White Blood Cells

Reminded me of "B." The yearning isn't so bad anymore. See what time will do for you?

8/24/02 She takes a drink and then she waits, the alcohol it permeates, and soon the sounds give way, and cancel out the day..

So here I am blogging about work again. I promise, I'll try to get something more interesting going soon - but today, there was a turning point. There's two girls at work, one I call Lil' girl, becuz she's a kid (15?) the daughter of the owners. The other girl, shes "C," a 29-yr old w/bipolar disorder who's trying to make a life away from her parents and dealing with psychiatrists and medication & etc. - and I wouldn't have even known her if the owners hadn't hired her in the first place.

But anyway, "C" naturally has problems dealing with stuff, she can be abrasive and- let's face it - weird- but she works that register and tries to please me and the other managers. I would rather have ten of her than these other teenage slackers they send me who just want to stand around and call their boyfriends and flirt with the other staff.

So today "C" has a line out the ying-yang and is also trying to answer the phone at the same time. And Lil girl is standing right next to the register, flirting with her man-of-choice. The phone rings, and "C" has a hard time getting it on the first few, so Lil girl looks at her and says:

"The phone's ringing"

So "C" picks it up, her hand shaking, and answers the person on the phone while waiting on the people in line.

That just turned me off to Lil girl forever. What a bitch.

Now I know that this family is not something I want to be associated with, and that I've got to find another job. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, right? I'm not going to be able to deal.

So I'll keep it to myself for now. But already I have lines out for another job. We'll see what happens.

8/22/02 Redrum

So the last time I opened up at work, this guy comes in real early and asks for the manager. Since I was the only one there, they directed him to me. He looked like what is known in these parts as a "woodchuck," that is, a guy who chops down the trees on his farm and sells them for firewood. In other words, not dressed for an interview and kinda dirty? He asks for a job app and I give him one, tell him to answer all the questions, or he won't be considered, etc. etc. He leans over really close to me and says "Do you hire ex-cons here?"

I about shit my pants, and I said "I don't do the actual hiring, that'd be the owners, and they're off today." After a while he completes the app and brings it over to me, of course everything is spelled wrong, half the questions are left off, under what did you like most about your last job? is written "never had a real job." There is no contact phone number. So, in all fairness (and becuz husband-boss reamed me the other day for not interviewing these people thoroughly,) I ask him for a phone number, and then the big question: "What were you in jail for?" He leans over again and says 'Murder.'

Yikes! I shit you not. Then he goes on about how he really needs a chance, etc. and all I can think of is OMG he's gonna think I turned him down. OMG OMG he's gonna wait outside and kill me. I feel bad but that's what I thought.

So today in the office I notice an official-looking thing hanging over the boss's desk. It's about a hearing of some kind, so being the nosy so-and-so that I am, I peeked. It's about "B!" There's going to be a hearing because he feels he was fired unfairly, and he couldn't collect unemployment cuz the boss said he quit. Yipes. It's three days before I go see "B" play again down in Charlottesville. Husband-boss was stressed all day, and didn't say a word to me. Even tho I was the one told them I thought it was "B." At the time I actually did- it's a long story somewhere back there in the archives. Long story made short, "B" and I talked about it and made peace. But I wonder if anything will come out that will get him pissed at me. That would be just fucking great. Shit. shit. shit.

8/22/02 I was having a fine and beautiful sleep. Probably the best sleep I've had in a while, cuz I actually went out while I was lying with Johnny watching TV, oh, round about 10PM or so. So that would've done me a lot of good. But I just woke up to the most horrifying stench known to man flowing thru my window- SKUNK. Woke me right up. Fucking skunks. Remind me to put the lid on the trashcan next time. Oh, and set out the antifreeze in a nice pretty little saucer. Thanks.

8/20/02 File. save. file. save. file. save.

Twofer Tuesday:

1. Other than a family member, is there someone (you don't have to name names, of course) that you've never been able to forget? Why him or her?

D.C. Because he loved me. He wasn't one of the 'cute' guys I was always trying to get with. But I went out with him a few times, and he never put any pressure on me. He just wanted to make me happy, I think. At the time I was prob'ly unable to be happy. He always remembered things I said I liked, and would try to provide them. He introduced me to his friends, and tried to make me a part of things. He never even touched me, unless I wanted him to. I would catch him looking at me, just looking. He was just a really good friend. Even when I ran into him 10 years after we graduated, he invited me to a party. Right then. He finally married somebody, and I hope he's still happy. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I really never gave him anything near what he gave to me.

2. What incident -- either one that happened to you personally or something that you witnessed but weren't directly a part of -- have you not been able to truly put behind you? Why not?

I was 26, riding on the metro to downtown D.C. with my 4-year-old daughter. It was very crowded, we had to stand. I was terrified of losing hold of Abby's hand, or someone snatching her, or her falling off the train when the doors opened, etc. We were standing next to a very skinny guy with long hair, it was pretty obvious he had AIDS, the sarcoma was all over his arms and stuff. When I realized he was so close, I kind of started and pulled Abby closer. He noticed. Abby whined, "Mom, stop holding me so tight!" and I said "Honey, I just don't want to lose you." And this guy looks at me and says "I like what you're teaching your daughter." Not sarcastic. We both knew why I grabbed her, but he respected the fact that I lied to her. My stupidity, and the kindness of strangers.

Link from

8/20/02 You know what always cheers me up? No Rain. Blind Melon.

You know what I want? Eventually? A house where nobody moves anything. Like, when I get off work, I can come home and my computer chair is in the same place where I left it, and my mousepad isn't moved around, and all the good food isn't gone from the fridge, and my phone line is open- nobody's plugged into a 56k because someone else is on the cable modem. Actually, I would like ISDN or T1 or T3! Dare I hope? And little pieces of trash aren't strewn all over the floor after I just vacuumed this morning, and coke cans aren't piled up around the computer and dirty dishes aren't piled up in the sink. The trash can isn't stuffed to overflowing. The cat's bowls aren't empty and they aren't mewling to be fed. My favorite scrunchie hasn't been borrowed from the mantlepiece, and the fans haven't been taken upstairs. Actually, air-conditioning would be good. Have you ever lived with teenagers? I have.

Is this shallow? Should I be worried about this? Is someone gonna email me to tell me my problems are insignificant compared to this? Fuck.
Update: Tess changed her link - the comments aren't showing anymoe. Why?

8/19/02 Well, the day went like this: Husband-boss touched my hand once for a long time, then my arm twice. Wife-boss went home with a headache. Took the kids out for Dairy Queen and Abby's tooth chipped off, now she's in pain, and made a rude comment about how if we'd had the money, we could've had it fixed before. The ex called me at work to ask for $200 and wish me a happy birthday. After I closed at work, I pushed down my strange fears and picked up the phone. My shaking fingers punched out the numbers. My heart was pounding, waiting to hear the sound of his voice. I hear a click - "That line has been disconnected..." Fuck.

8/19/02 I am what I am, most motherfuckers don't give a damn

aka Happy 40th Birthday to Me

Things I'm Glad I've Done:
had the kids
tried drugs
moved to a small town
got out on my own early
took a different path than my mother wanted me to
told dad I loved him before he died
been nice to my mom even tho i think she disapproves of me

Things I Wish I Hadn't Done:
tried drugs
gotten hooked on cigs
lied so much
drank so much
given "P" that blowjob
slept with "T"
let TJ go live with his dad
hid behind that car the summer of '74

Things I Wish I Had Done
finished college
slept with "B"  (yes I am smokin')
stayed friends with D.C. 
figured out a way to make much more money
realized everything earlier
Hm. The Wish I hadn't done list is longer than the Glad I've done list. Ain't life grand? And I still get carded, sometimes.

To my sister, Heidi: the best, most ultimate Aunt.
To my daughter, Abby: the best, most empathetic daughter and friend.
To my son, TJ: the best, most funny and understanding son. i'm sorry.
To my son, Johnny: the best, still-growing relationship i have.
To my brother, Eric: you shouldn't have scared me all those times. And I did not appreciate you feeling me up.
To the guy behind the car: Die.
To "B": I might not know you very long, but you are really fucking sweet.
To the ex: it was a wild ride. and i never cheated on you. hmph.
To my Dad: i understand. always did.
To Grandma & Grandpa: love you.
To Mom: why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? love you.
To my little brother, Kirt: you're cool.

for T: There's a memory of a window, lookin' through i see you, searching for something i can never give you, there's someone who understands you more than i do, a sadness I can't erase, or the look on your face...

8/18/02 We rented Shallow Hal, The New Guy, and The Royal Tennenbaums today. The first two were what I expected, but I really like Tennenbaums. Abby and I were watching together, just going "What is this?" It was great.

My birthday's tomorrow. FORTY. Sounds too much like farty. As in old. Of course I don't feel any different. You never do, do you?

More flare-ups in the blogosphere: tessrants. Jeez! A post on one blog tweaks another blogger's brain in a certain way, and everybody gets offended.

Disturbing. This is a webring for people with eating disorders (they call them EDs.) I have struggled with this. I can relate to alot of it. These girls are really, really serious about it. I guess I am just part-time. I count up what I eat in a day, but I call it dieting. I sometimes use laxatives if I'm feeling particularly fat in the lower half of my tummy. Of course you have to plan this to coincide with times when there's no one else in the house, because it's gross. Because I have to work so much, I can't do it alot. You have to be able to get to the bathroom quick. I eat a lot of salad and yogurt. I dress to hide my tummy, which is my bad spot. My legs and ass don't pick it up too much. I also wear a minimizer bra to push my boobies down. They are big (thanks Mom) and come in handy in certain situations. But in day-to-day life thay are just a pain in the ass, flopping and swinging around and guys looking at them. I have many ways of smushin' em.
Links from mysinglemomlife.

8/17/02 I got off at three, and came home to find that my boys had gone next door to have an X-box tournament with Isaac. So I'm sneaking a glass of vodka and diet mountain dew code red and a couple of cigs.

Last night I know "B" was playing down in Tennessee with his band. The last time they played, up here, was the time I went and we got together. I was thinking about him all night long, and missing him. I wonder if he was thinking the same thing?

Sometimes I think you can feel when people are thinking about you, ya know? If you have a strong connection. I just felt it, I dunno. What can I say? Wishful thinking, prob'ly.

The night I walked into the hardware store to have my job interview, this guy comes walking down the center aisle looking like Brandon Boyd and I'm thinking "who is that?" I know every guy in my little town, and I knew I'd never seen this one before. I said to myself: "He can't be from around here," and it turns out I was right. He came over and said "Can I help you?" and directed me to husband-boss, and we went into the back to interview. During the middle of this he comes back there and starts hanging around, talking about his band and all this other stuff, looking at me and smiling, and I'm thinking "OMG does he like me? Could I get this lucky?" Until the boss said "OK, "B," you can go now," and he went out and looked back at me. So it started, and it's all back there in the archives.

He was also leaving. Soon. But ever since that first night, it was "B." I tried not to let it be, but there it is.

I almost called him two nights ago, but chickened out. *sigh* What is wrong with me? I think I am definitely in like. I know I am in lust. There have been worse beginnings, right?

8/16/02 I think I finally figured out why my bosses are such freaks. They're pill-heads! Husband-boss pops little antihistimine pills all day for his allergies. I noticed yesterday right after he took them, he started speeding around barking out orders. And wife-boss takes meds for depression and migraines. Once Lil girl told me her Mom takes so many pills she can't keep track of them.

You can tell by the way wife-boss cringes whenever her hubby walks up that she hates him. The husband makes sex jokes with the female employees (even young ones.) He's touched me a couple of times, only on the back or the arm, but it creeps me out. It reminds me of Guy Behind the Car, because he just sneaks up on you, you never know he's coming. How much you wanna bet they haven't slept together in years? The kids are whiners.

So there you have it. These people pull in mega-bux from this store, they have a new custom-built house, 4 cars, God knows what else, and they are just miserable. What a fucking waste.

8/15/02 Fuck, fuck fuck fuck Morpheus and their Goddamn banners in the lower-right-hand-corner! It slows everything down. Why can't everyone be rich enough to give me what I want, right away? What is up with that??

8/14/02 Hey, I finally wrestled my computer away from my son. He's making songs in this program called FruityLoops. It's a techno-type music maker. He loves it!

I went to work today, and another practical joke: "N" and "B" painted on the window of my car. The catchy phrase? "Buy me a new car." Cute, huh? Hey, my car is a piece of shit, but you don't have to tell it to everybody. Now, these are just kids - 17- and 20-year old kids - and I know they didn't mean any harm. But I couldn't help but feel insulted. Couldn't they think of anything else? That was the first thing that popped into their narrow little minds? Am I the store's token charity case? Fuck.

And this is the -let me see- third joke they've played on me. The first time they unravelled a roll of toilet paper inside my car, then the second time they stuffed a shopping cart in the backseat. I know it's because they like me, and I'm an easy-going type manager, so they think it's OK. But I had to put on my mean face, and make them clean it off. They need to learn the lesson that you can't insult people, even in a joking way, without risking their anger, or at least their sadness. They can say shit behind my back all they want. but I'm not gonna listen to poverty jokes to my face. Clueless.

8/13/02 Further Down the River: "B" came by work yesterday to bring me his new phone number. He was hinting around about needing a place to crash when he comes up here to do the lawns he still has. He said to call him if I ever want to hang out. This is very cool. I have sort of a half-boyfriend. Which is good, 'cuz I'm rather terrified of having a real one. I don't want someone hanging around my house all the time. I like my life and my privacy (read: I like to get sloshed at night.) I think I'm going to have to go see him all the time (he lives an hour away). Which is great, 'cuz I get to get away from Mom mode every coupla weeks and be party girl again. Go see the band play, drink a few beers, make hot monkey love (did I say that?) then sleep in. This is way cool. *grinning*

8/12/02 Two times and it has rendered me punch drunk and without bail

To "B:"

I miss you. I think about you all the time. Are you feeling the same thing? I can't get your face out of my mind. I know you're far away - but still - I feel like something's not finished. Where are you?

8/10/02 Are you with me, Dr. Wu?

Just got off the phone with my 15-year old son. He has been visiting his Aunt (Dad's side) in Louisiana for the past two weeks. We talked about - gulp - sex.

He wants to sleep with his GF, but his dad won't get him any condoms. So I said OK, we'll get you some. I mean - come on, they're going to do it . He's at the age - shoot - I was 16 - and I think it's a really bad idea to refuse him this request. Otherwise, I may end up a grandma before my time. I did the same for his sister, and she's been responsible. So, what??

I think there comes a time when you have to trust them. And I'd rather be in the loop than out. I know nobody could've stopped me from sleeping with my first - it's something you feel you need to do. Plus the hormones are raging. Mine still do. God, I am so unlike my parents. Total uncharted territory. Am I doing the right thing?

They're two different people, my daughter and my son. What's right for one may not work for the other. Driving blind here. But I've been there before, I was blind for the first one - hell, I was blind for myself. Blindness as a way of life. Quote me.

8/09/02 This blogging computer, MegaHAL, sends messages and responses to itself. Check it out.

From the MegaHAL site: "MegaHAL differs from traditional conversation simulators, such as Eliza and Alice, in its ability to learn language from what is said to it. MegaHAL begins with a blank slate, and learns various simple rules that enable it to generate language-ish utterances. These utterances are often entertaining and eerily appropriate, something which is partially due in our tendency to read meaning into randomness (think about clouds that look like weasels)."

Got the link from stavrosthewonderchicken. Stavros absolutely freakin' rules. If you ever want a job in the hardware store, wonderchicken, it's yours. *grins*

8/08/02 Anyway, Post Office Guy at work asked me out. He seems really nice, but just doesn't do it for me. *sigh*

I finally cleaned up my desktop, and defragged. Kind of an interesting story on Primetime Live. Patricia Cornwell, the author, is trying to solve the Jack the Ripper crimes based on her forensic knowledge. She makes a good case. I really like her books; if you're into detective stories check out her stuff (tried to link, but her site's under construction-patriciacornwell.)

8/08/02 I have to face it. It was a one-night stand. People who sleep with you, and have your phone number, and know where you work, and know where you live, they get in touch with you if they want to. So far it's been - let's see - 11 days, and no word. Two stops in at work, but always on my day off. Hm. I dunno. I just don't get a bad feeling. The good one is fading, but I don't get a bad one. Well, at least I'm not upset. Maybe I'm old enough to know that it just isn't worth bugging over. And, I would do it again. heehee!

On the Moon
You hold me close and kiss me;
your skin is shaded, and warm.
It ripples under my lips, and soothes
my aching teeth.
It softens my resolve.
Your voice pushes clouds sweetly
around and around my head, 
bubbles flow from your mouth;
you are celestial.
Cool breezes pass between.
I fold my wings, and hit the ground shuddering, 
wobbly and dull-
my bones are shaken;
the earth changes.


8/07/02 There's a one-man show playing in England right now, called Talking Cock. This is the second time I've heard about it (once in the paper, this time on metafilter,) so I went to the website. I'm linking you to the poems section which I found mostly hilarious - but there was one really sad & serious one on pg. 4. Check it out!

Also. for those who enjoy this stuff:

travis fimmel

8/06/02 I'm watching a show about twin girls conjoined at the head. The mom was in labor for 8 - count'em - 8 days! Now they're going to try to separate them.

I have to open up at work tomorrow morning, so I'm going to bed early. Had a nice lazy day. Did nothing! Johnny and I went to lunch (which I shouldn't have spent money on,) then we laid around talking about our plans for the great castles we will build when we get rich. He wants me to live with him and his wife! Gotta love them when they're little. You're still the center of the universe. He's gonna be 9 in October, then he'll start pulling away, slow but sure. But that's the way it's gotta be.

Love him.

Tried to replace my HBO with the E channel, so I could watch the Anna Nicole Smith show. But we don't get E here in bumfuck. I hear it was disturbing. Go to asmallvictory and read her real-life ANS story. Funny, pathetic and too weird. I actually knew a girl who behaved like that - my ex-husband's first wife. I know it's entirely possible. Weird.

Now the babies are separated, but having complications. They're gonna continue the story later. And now for the news.

Oh yeah, my poison ivy's gone, and Johnny's is fading. Yay!

8/05/02 I - need - human - contact. Help me. email, call. I am so friggin' bored. How come the only person that calls me is my ex-husband? I try, I really do. Where is everybody? AAAAAHHHHH!!!

My bumper sticker reads:

Take the quiz.

he will be back. he will be back. he will be back.

Ah, cool - Snatch is playing on HBO. I've got a thing for Guy Ritchie - he's cute. And quick, if this movie's any indication. *smile*

8/04/02 To my dearest and best friend, the alcoholic beverage:

I just wanted to thank you. You have been helping me out for a long time. You make me brave when I am terrified. You make me happy when I am sad. You make me outgoing when I am shy. You make me forget my pain. So what if it's only temporary? At least you work. Ever since I discovered you, that day underneath Kim Scott's deck when we were twelve, I have had to have you. I gulp you down as often as possible, and you always have an effect.

You made me feel better when nobody listened or seemed to care. When I dreamed about the creepy guy, I could get up and sneak downstairs and know that you were there, stacked up in cases behind Dad's chair. As Mom and Dad slowly grew apart, you and I got closer and closer. We watched together as they fell victim to their own addictions. We saw my brother get picked on and beat up day after day until he quit school, but it was OK, because, my friend, I had you. When that senior said I messed around with him, and everybody called me a slut- that was when I learned to drink you during the daytime. When Johnny broke up with me, you were there, unflinching, until the pain was gone. When I tried to go out and socialize with other humans, you were always there to hold my hand.

As the years went by, you stayed with me. When I had the abortion- remember that? When TJ went to live with his Dad- I swear I don't know how I could've got through it without you. All the times we had to go to court - I always rushed to you as soon as it was over. All my husband's screaming accusations were easier to take, because I knew that you were waiting for me when it was all over. Then, when my marriage fell to pieces, of course you were there. When Dad died, yep - it was you. You get me to sleep when I can't stop my mind from thinking. When I want to have sex and I can't keep that creepy guy's fingers out of my head - you get me over the hump (HA! that was great!)

And remember the good times? Remember our first concert? All the parties? You were there for the first time I made love. And the second, and the third - come to think of it, you've been there for most all of them! All the fun nights spent playing darts - good times. The days at King's Dominion. The days at the beach. The road trips. The weddings- ah, the weddings. And the nights we spend alone - a few slugs and that warm feeling spreads through me and I am not so stupid or lonely anymore.

You are always available. You never say no. You are everywhere. All I have to do is get to the nearest store by 11:00.

I know there is a price to pay for everything, and for our friendship, my liver will suffer. I may already have the beginnings of chirrosis, since I have known you going on 28 years now. But you know what? Given the same circumstances, I would do it over again. You have allowed me to at least experience what a normal life would've been like. If I could've known then what I know now, I probably never would have picked you up. But I want to acknowledge the help you've given me over the years, and say Thank you. You are the best friend I ever had.

8/03/02 My stomach is growling. It is growling and I want something to eat. But I will not. I will drink instead. Vodka has only 10 calories per shot, and I mix it with diet coke, which has 0. So my drinking obsession will not affect my body obsession. Yes, it tastes nasty. Small price to pay. And if I'm good, I can drink beer the next time I go out, and still remain 125 lbs. Even that seems big to me. I'm used to being 110. But I'm getting older, it's not as easy as it used to be. I don't stick my finger my throat, which I consider a victory.

I remember one time, I was about 31 or so- my Mom tried to feed me a piece of chicken and I said no, I wasn't hungry and she said "I think that's all you've eaten in the past year, is one piece of chicken."

25 spaces for comments. And 25 spaces with no comments. *sigh* I am a waste of net space.


8/02/02 Had the day off today, plus it was payday. Wooooo! I took Johnny down to Fredricksburg where we went to the mall, ate lunch, then walked around buying stuff. I got him a $30 bamboo sword (he is into this stuff - i dunno, it made him happy) which the really cool girl gave me for $28.80. She asked, was I an employee of the mall? Did I get some other discount? and I said no, I'm just a hard-working single Mom, and she said, "well, so was mine, I'll give it to you anyway." What a cool girl.

Then I got my ear pierced. Up in the cartilage, where I had it before. But the last time it got infected, I had to take it out. This time I made sure I got a 14k gold earring. Hope it works.

Then we went to Funland and played The Simpsons video game until my fingers hurt. Damn, Marge can swing that vacuum cleaner!

Forgot to credit the links from two days ago - the only one I can remember is pornolize which I got from mysinglemomlife.


8/01/02 What to say, what to say? Nothing happened at work today. I made an ass of myself a couple of times, over stupid things. People just have to accept my absent-mindedness. Lil girl was there today, and said "B" came in on my day off (tuesday) and was telling her I came to his show. She said he was all sweaty. Hmm... sorry I missed that! But hey, it means that he came somewhere where he might've run into me, just two days after (you know.) So maybe he's remembering too. At least he's not avoiding me. That would be fucking tragic.

We still might lose the house. Long story, but I may have to move soon. Gotta go check out some apartments tomorrow. Luckily, my birthday's coming up, so I can beg cash gifts off of everybody and hopefully make a deposit. Crikes!

It's weird, but I don't really mind moving. It's kind of exciting, and you get to rearrange your stuff and decorate a new place. I guess I'm just used to it. We moved, let me think, five times before I hit High School. I like getting around new people and checking them out. You never know. Plus it'll be a relief to get a place i can afford better. I hate juggling all these bills to try and pay this mortgage.

I'm trying to put a good face on it, but I will miss the house terribly. It's been a good house. The kids did the majority of their growing up here. At least I could give them that. But Johnny, little guy, he's still coming along with me. Bouncing and weaving with the tide. That is life, isn't it? At least the way I know it.

I can't imagine having everything be steady and knowing that you're never gonna have to change anything and you can always count on having a sure thing. I envy those people, but it doesn't seem to be the hand I was dealt. And I wouldn't have met some of these great people that I love if I hadn't have gone where I went. So.. optimism. And I am very lucky. Just look at the last few entries.