In December, I thought:

12/24/02 Christmas thoughts of the girl next door

Retail Hell
To the guy who brought in his negatives and requested sixteen 5x7s and four 8x10s on Christmas Eve: Thank you. It really made my day to pump out your Christmas presents at the last minute. It's not like I had anything else to do in a retail establishment on this day of the year. Your shots were cute, tho. And you weren't a bastard when you discovered that they weren't finished on time. So Merry Christmas.

Pat me on the back
I've had my new-ish car for a month and a week, and I haven't left any old fast food wrappers or french fries or lunchables packages in it. I haven't even eaten in it! Of course there are no cigs in the ashtray- for some reason I never smoke in the car. What could it be? Oh, yeah- I haven't forgotten being trapped behind my Dad in the backseat, with puff after puff of lovely Kool Filter Kings smoke going straight into my face.

It's pronounced "Alk-i-dol"
But I'm not sure how you spell it. I did a Google search but turned up nothing. Heard on the news tonight about some pill you can take before, during, or after drinking, that will prevent a hangover or reverse the effects of alcohol or something. I don't know- I was too busy wrapping. But I am interested, naturally. So if you have a link to info, please email me. I seem to remember it's only available in Australia or other far-away places. File under "too good to be true."

I miss my daughter
who decided to spend the night at her boyfriend's house tonight- it's the first Christmas Eve and morning without her. I know this is a necessary part of life- and I'm glad she's independent, 'cause my Great-Grandma says it would be weird if she acted any other way. But I cried a little.

12/23/02 That was the sound of me ripping my hair out

The good news is we may have snow for Christmas Day. The bad news is, I was going to drive all over the place to see my family. I am scared to death to drive in the snow, since I wrecked in it a coupla years ago. Bleh.

Work is a befuddled mass of people (who are getting cranky) and sale prices and voids and "kris to the register," kris pick up line one," "kris I need more ones," "I need quarters," "I need pennies," "excuse me miss," "hey, do you work here?" "whaddaya mean my card's been declined?"

Got me a smokeless ashtray- it rules.

12/22/02 I have been really busy. Got all my shopping done, and it's been extra busy at work, since C threw her back out. She can't work for two months! And this in the middle of the busiest season of the year... So I have to take on most of her stuff as well as mine, plus the holiday surge of customers. Ah well, c'iest la guerre.

I did manage to squeeze in a viewing of The Two Towers, which was excellent! No time to review it here, but if you want the closest thing to my opinion, go see Stupid Evil Bastard; he says it best. I stopped on the way home and picked up a copy of The Return of the King, in preparation for the next installment.

There is a next installment, isn't there?

12/22/02 Travelling wreath

lil wreathRight-click and take this little wreath. Link back to the site you took it from. Leave a message in the comments if you use it so we can all see where it goes! Let's celebrate the Holidays around the Web! I got mine from Kat...

Speaking of Kat, go over there and read about how she saved the day for two little kids. Wow! Here's to doing what you gotta do. And rather than jumping down the throat of the working parents, she says "I try not to judge." Hey Kat- thanks for making all of us single Moms look good.

12/19/02 Phone conversation between me and the ex:

Him: "She says I can't see Sara as long as I'm with that bitch."
Me: "What bitch?"
Him: "...."
Me: "You mean me?"

I drag my sore footed, twisted-backed self up the stairs to check on Johnny, and I find the dog and the cat (who hate each other) asleep on the floor of his room, and his arm wrapped around the stuffed Curious George my Mom gave him last Christmas. Sound asleep. There is much love.

12/18/02 I knew there was something good about getting old.

I should stop now. If I stop now everything will be OK.

12/18/02 I was checking out a small victory, and she had some links to new designs for buildings to replace the Twin Towers. GAK! I have to agree with the author, Michele. The only one worth considering is the design that looks nothing like the previous towers. I feel that if we replace them with some ultra-modern crap, it will only serve to belittle what happened there. It's like saying "OK, move on, we must have progress," when I think we should be saying "Hey, what happened here was tragic and we're going to replace it with something very human and low-key." Let's put some green stuff and growing stuff there and have a place where people can go to remember and grieve. Let the big companies find another place. They've got the money to do it.

Better yet, let's replace it with... basically nothing. Like a historic battlefield. Leave it lay, so people won't ever forget. Personally, I favor a memorial similar to the Vietnam Vet's here in D.C. A long, low wall listing the names of those lost. Just a thought.

12/18/02 I heart skinny rock-star types.

layne staley I was off today, and played on the computer- yay! I always bust my hump the night before my day off, so I can have all the housework done. Then my day is all mine. I have 6 whole hours alone! I made a new pic for my page 'o guys, and also got my bookmark icon working again. I watched many horrible talk shows, drank ice water, and ate popcorn (give me a break- it's the day before payday!) I listened to the Alice in Chains box set the ex brought with him. A nice day all around.

12/17/02 The real, ugly me

the framley examiner
I was reading Cosmo at work and the cover said: "The thing a guy most wants to know about you." I look inside, and it says: "Your number." What number, you ask? The number of other guys you have slept with, of course. So I got to thinkin'. And decided to write it down, because I had a helluva time remembering it all.

1. Johnny (three years)
2. Chris (rebound from Johnny- 2 nites)
3. Billy (one minute- a mistake)
4. Danny (a friend- mistake. but we're cool)
5. Tony (one night)

GAH! I'm lookin' bad here!

6. Sam (two years)
7. Mike (three years)
8. Kelly (rebound-Mike)
9. Tom (married- 2 years)
10. Robert (3 years)
11. Jay (Robert rebound)
12. Bill (married- 7 years)
13. Gaines (Bill rebound)
14. Billy (two nights- he was very cute)

AK! Lookin' ho-like really bad here!

Keep in mind that A) I was a fucked-up kid, and B) I am old, and most of this was before the age of AIDS. It was the swingin' eighties, yo! It comes out to less than one guy per year.

I am not ashamed. OK, I am a little ashamed. But not much. One life, right?

Guys named William seem to be drawn to me.


"Make love to each other; be free with each other,
Be prisoners of love 'til you lie in the sod,
Be friends to each other, forgive one another,
See God in each other, be beggars to God."

or whatever you believe in.

Seen at the compleat iconoclast.

12/16/02 Hey Dad

I've got your stuff sitting all around me. I'm sitting at your desk, on top of which is your Shakepeare-head mug holding pencils and your letter opener that is shaped like a little fisherman. Your picture is on the mantle and the dictionary you bought me when I started college is right over there. The rocking chair you bought me a Hechinger's is over in the corner. Remember you stained it dark brown?

Your drinking habit is alive and well in that I have had 3 Johnny Walker Black & cokes tonight. (I know- you preferred Foster's.) Your cigarette habit is also still alive, tho I'm doing better.

Your grandchildren and I are making it thru- just talked to TJ and he's a doll. Thanks for the help with Abby the other day. I know everything will be OK. Now I know how you felt when I ran off with Johnny, then with Mike. Sorry. Jeez, I had no idea. See? I even talk like you. Johnny is still an "action-boy," and his vocabulary still amazing. I know you are proud of all of them.

It's almost Christmas, and I miss you.

12/15/02 I remember a guy from high school named B.D. I shouldn't tell you his real name, cuz I don't want to offend his family or anyhting, but it's such a cool name I will tell you- it's Bucky Dent. He was a big drinker, and by the time he was 22 or so, he was a full-fledged alcoholic. He used to come into the store where I worked, and come thru the line and buy one banana with his food stamps. He would do this two or three times, till he had enough change to buy beer. Sometimes you would see him roaming around town, just talking to himself. I heard he died, outside, behind the Three Pigs BBQ, in a little place in the woods that he had. I don't even know if this is actually true or not. But I was just thinking about him. Seems like more would have come from someone with a name like that. But then again, I don't know his full story. Merry Christmas to you, dude.

12/15/02 Wow. They're demolishing the Cap Center. The concerts I saw there! The liquor I chugged in the parking lot! The times I peed in the woods! The fights between rival high schools! The cute guys I chased! The huge cloud of dope smoke that hung over us all! The time I came out from a show and my car had been towed! The time we went east on the beltway instead of west, and got hopelessly lost in bumfuck, MD! Good times. Good times. Not to mention the Caps games, the Bullets winning the championship, and the Presidential Inaugurations. *sniff* Bye, Cap Center.

12/14/02 Happy Birthday TJ!

I remember when you were 7
Love you

12/13/02 I love picking up huge-ass kerosene heaters and dragging them out ot the porch, then refilling them with flammable liquid which may or may not blow up at any minute. I love trying to see the empty/full gage thru my hair which falls in front of my eyes and besides that, the porch lite is out so you have to lean down to see it.

I love hauling them back inside, then washing my hands and rubbing them with vasoline to get the smell off, 'cuz everybody knows you need a petroleum distillate to break down the petroleum product remaining on your hands.

I love waking up every 4 hours worrying that the heaters are going to set the house on fire, or better yet, blow it up.

I love living in a house that costs too much to heat in winter, so I have to resort to alternative methods. I love the fact that I didn't finish college, that I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn't even try and get a high-paying job until I was this old. My bad.

I will do anything to keep my babies warm, so set the alarm! And somebody- please kick me in the ass. Then beat the shit out of me. I deserve it.

12/13/02 More freezing rain. Went to the town office today and paid half the bill, convinced them to spot me two days after cutoff 'till I get paid. Yay me! And yay to the girl who handles that- I forget her name. But she's a good girl.

Mimi Smartypants frequently freaks me out, in that she might be my long-lost twin sister or my other brain or something like that. Seen on her site today:

Cardan speaks of certain stones, if they be carried about one. which will cause melancholy and madness, he calls them unhappy, as an adamant, selenites, etc, "which dry up the body, increase cares, and diminish sleep."

So be careful what pretty rocks you pick up.

Heh. frequently freaks. heh.




trek loveStar Trek: the forbidden love story.
This is freakin' hilarious- I laughed my ass off. Scroll down to get to the audio links. Pic lifted from lunatic lounge.

Some fairly decent arguments for going to war.

Did you hear about the psycho over in Germany? Shades of Dahmer.

12/12/02 My daughter came over today and I couldn't talk to her. This has never happened in the history of our lives together. Always, always, we could talk. Always she took my advice. But she is going to be 19 in a couple of months, and I couldn't say anything cuz I'm afraid what I would say would drive her closer to her BF.

I couldn't talk because I was afraid I would say something nasty, and I don't want her to see me that way. Besides, she already knows.

I am so, so very sad. I know it is probably necessary to feel like this to let her go on with her own life. If it was a situation where I felt like she was gonna be safe, I wouldn't feel so bad. I want to protect her. But I have done my part and hope I have raised her well. I have to trust her judgement now.

But I feel like a peice of me has been ripped off, and blood is flowing out.

12/11/02 The ex chronicles- continued

Well, it's Conan time and I am just now getting into my HTML editor. My timing is all off! *grumbling*

The ex just spent a half-hour mentioning to me that now eye laser surgery is so much cheaper, and I could probably benefit from it. Which is what he used to be saying to me all the time when we were married. Which makes me think that he never really wanted a girl who was blind as a bat and had to wear glasses, and now that he's (I think, in his head,) foreseeing getting back together, he would be so much prouder if I was your typically-pretty person as opposed to that girl with glasses (or a few extra pounds) who you had to look a little deeper at.

Maybe tomorrow, as I'm off work, I'll post two pics- one with glasses, one without- and show you what I mean. Having had too many Coronas tonite, I can't accomplish that right now.

It really does make a big difference. I've worn contacts since I was 14 years old- I begged my parents for them. I have always been somewhat vain, and I must admit I get hit on alot more without the specs. But I am 40 now, and I just don't really care anymore. It's a comfort thing. I used to be able to withstand anything for beauty- you know, the high heels, the tight pants, the freezing in winter to show off your bod-day- and the contacts.

But all I want now is some nice guy with glasses (or without) who thinks I'm pretty & sexy just the way I am.

12/10/02 Tarot for the Fucked-up and Scared

Ten of Swords-someone will stab you in the back. Or will you stab someone?This is my final card from this evening's reading. Yeah.

I haven't read the tarot for a couple of months, and my horoscope has been excellent lately. Then the ex asked me to read for him tonight, which I did. Then I decided to read my own. Yikes! I shoulda known better. You can't go back. See, we used to read them all the time when we were together. I guess my common sense told me to stay away from them since I've been single, cuz I haven't really felt the need. Then he comes back and BAM! Bad Stuff. Yes, I am blaming him. You got a problem with that?

I refuse to believe it.

12/09/02 slimy destruction?

I just folded the ex's laundry- I feel like I am slipping backwards into a pit of quicksand.

My new-found identity is a bright little butterfly perched on a tree branch above my head- it is still in my sight, still within my reach- but I'm praying that it doesn't flutter away as this new addition to my household wreaks its influence on us all.

He is being really nice, at which I am frightened. I am thinking that he's going to get more and more frustrated when he realizes there is no getting back with me, and then he will become a dick again. Maybe, just maybe, tigers can change their stripes- but I have known him for twelve years, and that's a lot of knowing. When things don't go his way, I fear the proverbial worm will turn.

Imagine some scary lead-in music and then a God-like voice issuing forth from the Heavens: "THE WORM. HAS. TURNED."

It is a giant, evil worm, and when it turns, your house is crushed and your loved ones run screaming and slime covers everything. If the worm has turned, then you are surely fucked. IMHO anyway.

12/07/02 Put up the tree

a photoshopped versionEverybody got along OK. It was actually pretty nice. We set out a spread, ate good food, played Xmas music during the commercials of the Redskins-Giants game. Fuckin' Redskins.

I know - there are two big holes in the lights- I will fix it tomorrow. That's a light-up angel on the top. Kitsch = cool. But for now, I think it's pretty beautiful. And I love my kids something fierce. Now, I just have to shop. Nineteen days till Christmas!

12/06/02 The ten best things about It's a Wonderful Life

Someone is named Zuzu
The top of their newell post comes off like mine
Uncle Billy is a lush but nobody seems to care
They let a goat ride in the car
It snows all the time, but they never plow the streets
There is a pet crow
There is a pet squirrel
The angel is a regular looking guy
George punched a cop and got away with it
George made $45 a week- and supported 4 kids, and fixed up a huge house- sweet!

12/05/02 It is 10 degrees out tonight. Shit! I hate the cold. It snowed two days ago, but I really couldn't enjoy it, cuz I had to go to work the morning when it started. So I had to worry about getting the car broomed off and getting there by 8 am (it's only 5 minutes away-don't feel too sorry). But I found I couldn't enjoy it like I usually do. All in all we got 8 inches. Then I was worried that if it didn't stop, how would I get home? But I made it both ways. And everything is cool.

Actually, everything's in limbo.

I wish I had something to say. Did I mention this blog is just for me? Hope you weren't expecting much.

It's weird having somebody sitting here in the same room. He keeps talking to me.

12/03/02 You know how when your life turns upside down, it happens in just one day? Or maybe just one minute? That's what happened to me. Now I have a roommate, who just happens to be my ex-husband. My posting time has gone down, cuz I can't sit here and write about it in front of him. I spent my day off yesterday painting the room where he's going to stay, so I can get him out of the living room and get back to blogging. It looks great! Actually better than my room, so now I'm going to have to do mine over.

The temp dropped about a gazillion degrees yesterday. Tonight it's 13. Thirt-teen. The one heater, I can get going ok. But the second one I can't get lighted. So I'm sitting here freezing my ass off. Actually, my ass is pretty warm, it's my fingers that won't work. Of course I'm slurping libations and trying to get warm that way. Now I understand why all those log cabins were so tiny, they were easier to heat! I applaud everyone from the olden days, I don't know how they did it.

I am still very uncomfortable around Abby and her BF. It's hard living with them. I think maybe I am being a baby, and there is some way to take the high road here, I just haven't figured it out yet. So I am keeping quiet and avoiding them so I won't blow up or say something nasty before I get my cool together.

I don't know where all this is going, and I don't much like it. It's one of those things that will probably end up being surprising, the way it turns out. Tomorrow morning, I'll read my tarot cards. I haven't read them in a loong time. Maybe they'll tell me something.

11/30/02 Some linkage:

mighty girl found this version of Sex and the City.
welcome to my world. (forgot where I got the link)

I am too tired. I hate these work-all-weekend things so that you can have next weekend off. I gotta get rich.

11/30/02 Well, the ex came back. And boy, can I tell he's here.

See, he caught his brother with his girlfriend. Since they all live together, it wasn't cool for him to stay there anymore. I told him he could have the big room downstairs. It was OK for the first two days.

Tonight I walk in from work, and he had bought another heater. He thot I would like that, which I do, it's just that you're supposed to prime them outside when they haven't been lit for awhile, and he didn't. So I walk in to an unbelievable smell throughout the house. I went to open the door to let some fresh air in, and his dog tried to run out. The music was blaring. It smells like cigarettes first thing in the morning.

I feel bad for the guy, and I really need the extra money towards the mortgage. But I am seriously bawling my eyes out right now. Is it PMS? Or ex-itis? Only time will tell.


Old:old juicy   New:new juicy


11/26/02 I yelled at my daughter, and I feel terrible. It's all I could think about all day. See, I let Abby and her boyfriend live here. She's in college, and has a part-time job. She even has a side-job for a little under-the-table. She helps me pay bills when I need it. She's a very thoughtful and grown-up child. I think the world of her. Her BF, tho- he doesn't work. He looks for work intermittently. He babysits sometimes, and he makes her happy (sometimes, I think.) But I've been getting more and more disgusted with the way he just sleeps in and lays around the house playing video games.

Perhaps he's intimidated by me- but I think it's the kind of thing where you know you're wrong, so you hide? 'Cause I've tried to include him in stuff and be kind to him. But he just doesn't want to be part of it. I wonder if this is a common thing, like we're both trying to have power over her? But I really feel I've let her be as free as I can stand. They sleep together in my house, for God's sake. I don't want power over her- I really want her to be independent. But I draw the line at watching, right in front of my face- her being mooched off of.

Yeah, sometimes I borrow from her. I rely on her a lot- to check on Johnny when I'm at work, to run errands for me sometimes- but she never minds. I always explain it the way it really is, and it always works out. It's to keep this house running and to keep a roof over all our heads. If he was contributing any kind of money to the sitch I would back off. At least I have a way of paying her back. I might do it slowly, but I do it.

At first it was Diablo online, for hours at a time. This was back when I had a dial-up, so I couldn't get ahold of Johnny while I was at work. I paid to get a cable connection, which I really couldn't afford, just to accomodate this guy's jones for Diablo. Now it's other games, holed up in Abby's room, all day long. While we go out and work or go to school, he's just sitting there. He never offers to cut the grass or do little jobs around the house. In the interset of fairness- he has done a couple that I can think of. Their room is a pigsty, which bugs the shit out of me but I try to overlook. They're teenagers, but they're old teenagers and out of school and they he should be doing something productive. She does all the cleaning. She does all the cooking. She does all the paying- for everything except occasional gas money he bums from his parents.

Now, his folks told him to get a job or go to school, or get out. So he slid in over here. I kept hoping that he'd get motivated and get a job- I wouldn't even ask him for anything as long as he paid my daughter's way when they go out! Or rented her a movie or bought her flowers or something. But I keep seeing these Lord of the Rings DVDs and books and action figures appearing- and I've never seen Abby buy those before. And I know it isn't his money buying this stuff. He doesn't have any. I don't mind gifts- but they should be reciprocated. Within a reasonable amount of time.

It's a whole lot of little things, too many to list here. I've been getting more and more pissed, and finally it erupted this morning. I probly should have yelled at him instead of her, but he was still asleep (yeah) and I had to get to work. So now they haven't come home and it's 10 o'clock. I hope he's not being a total asshole about this. I know she's suffering listening to his shit. I'm sorry I had to do it to her this morning. But enough is enough. The guy needs to get off his ass.

Abby just called. we will talk tomorrow. Thank you! My baby.

Am I a bad Mom?

11/25/02 I hope I live to be 100. If I could sleep thru an elephant busting thru my wall, I would be happy. 'Course, there are no elephants roaming around Virginia. Maybe I could sleep thru a family of raccoons knocking over my trash can. Oh wait- I've already done that. I have achieved nirvana.

Work was so fuh-reekin busy tonite! I had to work in the Pharmacy for the first time- didn't know what I was doing- many people were annoyed at me. Customers, that is... the pharmacist and the regular people back there were grateful for any help they could get. Sheesh- I didn't even have time to do any front-end stuff. And I have to turn around and go back in at 8 AM. Yay!