In January, I thought

1/31/03 Space Shuttle Crashed

Heard about this on the car radio on the way to Fredericksburg. Felt a hot flush go over my body. I hate hearing this shit about terrible things happening in my country. A tragedy that might take Iraq off the front page for a few days. Perhaps God's way of saying "back off?" But the Shrub and his handlers will never listen.

1/31/03 Happy Birthday Heidi! My little sister turns- um, let me think- I guess 38 today? She's a good sister.

In other news, I got a call at work tonight from the mortgage people. Apparently the ex said he would bring them the balance of our payment, $320, tonight. And they needed it to post for end-of-month since this is the 31st. But he had not shown up as promised, and (of course) he didn't let me know he was having trouble, so this was all news to me. I had to give them the money after I got off work. They held up the closing just for us. Makes you feel like a deadbeat shit. And I know the ex was here, there are signs, but he didn't call them, or me, to let us know that he didn't have it. Now I don't know how I'm going to pay my other bills. I wish the guy would just be honest.

Maybe it is time to find a shitty little two bedroom apt. for me & Johnny. But I love my house so much! I don't know what to do. I can't make ex be an upstanding guy and not a pot addict. I can't afford the mortgage on my own, without bringing strangers (roommates) into the picture. My son, who is 9, is alone here while I am at work, and I am ready to move rather than bring in people I don't really know- there is too much danger there. What to do?

Break stuff?
Drink more beer?
Get another job?
Kill the ex and collect insurance?
Write a bestseller and get megabux?
Sell my body? HAHAHAHA

Drink more beer seems to be the best option.

1/30/03 Happy Birthday Abby! 19.

I remember when you were 5

You go. Baby girl. ((hugs))


let it go-the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise-let it go it
was sworn to

let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go-the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things-let all go
so comes love

e.e. cummings

I went to visit one of my daily sites and found only this. She'd posted it once before and I liked it then- I still like it now. Actually I really like it. Hope yvonne is OK.


cliiiiick me baby Another beautiful boy for the page'o'guys.
Credit Hot Tickets magazine


1/28/03 Sweet, blessed, lovely hot water

It's back. Many thanks to the ex and brother. Everything works but the toilets, neither one will flush, but with my handy-dandy bucket I can work around that. Tomorrow I am off so I'll spend the day wallowing in gross toilet-y doings. And I will be sure to keep you updated!

Oh. My. Goodness. How the Morons Mormons teach their children not to masturbate.
Link from tummymonsters.


1/27/03 Night after night, who treats you right? Baby it's the guitar man

I had one friend when I was age 5 to about 12, her name was Kim, but after we moved away I never saw her but once or twice. The second time I went back to her house after we had moved, we were both 12 and about to go into junior high, but in different schools. A bunch of us kids were playing hide and seek; it had just turned dark and I was hiding behind a car on the street. Her neighbor who was a boy about 17 came and hid there with me; I didn't think anything of it, until he started groping me in the dark. It was horrible and I will not elaborate. I was so in shock I could. not. move. After a couple of minutes some other kids drew near and he let go of me and I jumped up and ran.

After a little while, Kim and I went out back of her house and she showed me some Coors Light that she'd stolen from her Dad. So we sat under the deck and had our first beer. As I sat there, I just kept thinking "why didn't I move? why didn't I move?" That beer was the nastiest thing I had ever laid mouth to, but I guzzled it like a pro. I never told anybody about the guy until years later. I never saw him, or Kim, again. She never knew it, but that beer changed my life. See, life was already shit in the home department, so my love affair with alcohol began under that deck. Cuz it made me feel better, you know?

1/27/03 Bridezilla. Oh My God.

1/26/03 Long and rambling bullshit

Watching the Super Bowl w/Johnny. I made it home for the No Doubt/Sting thing. I missed Shania, but I wish I had seen it cuz I'm worried about her. First she disappears, then comes back to an interview where she states that she wasn't sure she wanted to come back at all. Then she comes back with a vengeance- I see her on a jillion magazine covers at work.

The troubling thing is, she's looking more Ho-like on every one. All these sexy poses and revealing clothes and stuff. And in every pic she just looks unhappy. All the X-tina pics, I thot she just looked cool with it and was exploring her teenage 'sexuality' and all. But Shania just had a baby (not sure how old it is- but it's real young,) and if she wants to stay home with it (him, her) she should. I remember when I first had the kids- I felt like a change was in order; it was only natural and all; it must be a universal thing, right?

Is Mutt pressuring her? Are her handlers? Can't she go a little softer and more covered-up? That's still sexy. Especially with her body- jeez, I would freakin' kill.... well, never mind. I say: Free Shania! (Or whatever her real name is)

The boy tried to make it all the way thru- but he's passed out on the couch. Cuteness.

Damn! The Raiders are catching up. I'm not a big football fan, but I try to keep up with.. um... the Super Bowl.

Oh yeah! The ex and the ex-brother-in-law fixed 75% of the leaks. Ex promises that the water will be up and running by tomorrow night. There were a total of 4. Did you know that when your pipes freeze they are more likely to burst in the elbows? Yeah- I have 2 splayed-out copper elbows sitting on top of my washing machine. Shall I use that as my new tag line?

1/26/03 "It's the Phantom Rooster!!" This from the TV show my son is watching right now. It's these little things that keep me going. Got a long work day today, blog ya later!

1/25/03 First of all I want to apologize for all the swearing lately. I mean, I cuss a lot but it seems the past few entries were especially well-peppered. With good reason, but that is no excuse. If they gave a bloggie for potty mouth, I would surely be nominated, eh? Eh?

I have two busted pipes. I spent all day yesterday trying to get the water back on, but in the end I had to call the Town office and have them come cut off the connection. Water was just pouring out under the house, it looks like a skating rink in there.

The ex swears he can fix it and went to borrow his brother's thingie that welds pipes back together. But then again, he said he was bringing me beer last night, and he never showed up, so... we shall see.

It was just as well cuz I got lots of sleep so I'm feeling chipper enough to face this today. Well I'm off to wash my hair with bottled water, it is filthy! There ought to be a horror movie called In the Crawlspace.

1/24/03 There is shitwater in my chandelier, folks

My ceiling is leaking! I guess a pipe burst. When Johnny flushed the toilet upstairs, water came gushing down into the dining room and kitchen. Shit water. It ran along the chain, and filled up all the little cup-type thingies on the chandelier. I had to touch the shit water. I am off to buy bottled water to wash off the shit water. SHIT.

1/23/03 I yelled at the ex tonight. See, I have to work this weekend, and he knew that. So doesn't it follow that he would think "gee, that means my son will be alone for 16 hours, as far into the night as 9PM, so I guess I better be there for him, you know, so he doesn't get hurt or lonely or anything."

But no, he says "well, I'm not invited to anything yet, but there'll probably be a Super Bowl party or something..." So what's wrong with watching it with his son? Why isn't that the first thought in his pointy, brain-dead head? How can one human being be so completely self-centered? And how, how could I have slept with him?

And why does my son have to pay for my stupidity? Then again, if I had not slept with him there would be no sweet white-headed snub-nosed l'il boy to love. So what? Should I thank the Gods for the contribution, and ask for nothing else?


1/23/03 Hey, you wanna see where I live?

my house

Find yours. Got this link from happy pills.

1/23/03 "I am Rudolf Earheart Zeppelin the Third!!" This from the TV show my son is watching right now. I just thought you should know.

1/22/03 Sometimes I just sit here and reload my page, to see the titles change. Sick or what?

1/22/03 A court has ordered Verizon to reveal the name of a Kaaza user who has downloaded over 600 songs. This is really scary to me; I use Kaaza and Morpheus every day. I don't have 600 songs, but I'm getting there. What are these artists gonna do, sue me? I got nothing. Besides, most of what's on my hard drive I already own in one form or another. I just want it here because it's convenient.

I think it's a way of getting the ISPs to quit hosting ptp people, and I don't think they're actually going after this particular guy, but it's frightening all the same. If you wipe out your hard drive, is your info still stored at the other end? Does Verizon have to notify this guy before they turn his name over? Does the RIAA, or the court?

Back to making tapes burning CDs off of your friend's copies, circa 11th grade. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I guess I better not spill my guts in this blog anymore, I might get arrested for retroactive pot smoking, or stealing pens from work or something. Sheesh! This blog is the best therapy I ever had. No weird person going "um hmmm...," no questions to answer, just spew it out and feel better.

Back to the notebooks and pens, circa 7th grade. Just keep your parents from finding them, and you can throw 'em in the fire as a last resort.

1/21/03 My job is hell because we are going through inventory. My normally nice boss is being an asshole, and all these suits keep coming in the check on things. (How long has it been since you heard that expression? Kinda like narc.)

My daughter came by today and acted all weird and distant. Sometimes she is just like she used to be, and sometimes she is so weird. I thought maybe she was high, but then again, I thought the Beer Guy was high at work, so... maybe I just think everybody's high if they don't seem to want to talk to me.

The ex came back today after two days gone. His car broke down on 29S, so he hitched a ride to work, and he's been trying to fix it ever since. He says he's taking the day off tomorrow to fix both cars- maybe I'll be back in my nice safe heated Taurus tomorrow. One can hope.

Would any of this be happening if I could afford a real mechanic and if I wouldn't have married him and wrecked my daughter's life and if I had finished college and got a good job? I imagine what my life would be like, and it always seems so great. But then again I am grateful for what I've had and what I've been thru. The only thing I cannot imagine is not having my kids. I guess that's what God gives them to us for- so we won't give up and we won't despair. Too badly. (forgive me all you athiests.)

1/21/03 I forgot anger

the head of kris


1/21/03 Downloaded a couple of tunes off of Beck's Sea Change last night. I think it may be buying material- I'll check them out for a couple more days. I also got the Walkmen's song off of that Saturn commercial where they're leaving childhood behind... it's called We've Been Had, and it made me want to check out more of their music, too. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, RIAA. You'll get my money eventually. Fuckers.
No, I hadn't heard any of Sea Change yet. What??

Speaking of the RIAA gouging our wallets, here is an interesting take on it from blogfucker. You'll have to scroll down to the picture of the giant screws. Heh.
Got that one from emptybottle.

Did I mention that my car broke down? Yeah. Water pump. Did I mention that the ex, even tho he is a certified mechanic, can't fix it because it's 9 degrees out? His fingers can't move for more than 5 minutes. Thank God I have the old Toyota. Did I mention I haven't had a drink in two days? And only four cigarettes?

1/17/03 You say you got a real solution?
Well, you know, we'd all love to see the plan

Drank coffee
Swept kitty litter off front steps (snowed)
Grocery shopping (saw ex-manager-held it up well)
Curtains for front door
Curtains for dining room
Painted shelves
Bonding with son (saw kangaroo jack-GAA)
Also talked with son
Explained what marijuana is to son
Explained what AIDS is to son (watched detective show wherein these two subjects were addressed)
Read some of Return of the King to son
Put son to bed
Surfed web in between
Entry for Blog
Cranking tunes
Beatles mood tonite- don't ask

1/17/03 I missed Trading Spaces- the live thingy

But I was saved from another boring Saturday night by this blog: mumbles unintelligbly. Found a link to digital prose over there. If you are into poetry, it is way cool. And so is bobby's beatnik poetry hut. Another poetry link, which I use all the time, is's poetry contest, although sometimes it comes up in French?

1/16/03 OK, I stapled my leg

After spending yesterday watching While You Were Out and Christopher Lowell, I decided to make a quasi-headboard for my bed with a cool tye-dyed sheet that Abby made in 10th grade. The sheet goes from down behind the head of the bed all the way up to the ceiling, and is designed to hide the cracks running thru the plaster, which decide to keep coming back despite my extreme prowess with drywall mud.

So, I break out the ex's staple gun, and if you've ever used one of these things, you know there has to be some major pressure applied to the thing to get the staple to go into the wall. Well, I was having no luck with it, seeing as I have tiny white flaccid arms and all, so I decided to just shoot the staple out into the air, to see if it was working and all...

But in order to get the necessary pressure I had to place the base of the gun against my leg and guess what? I was putting the wrong side up against the wall. I was holding the staple-exiting part down, instead of up, so of course I put the staple-exiting part up against my thigh and pushed and BAM! the rest is history. Luckily I was so stunned that I yanked it out right away, instead of pausing to think about it. If I had stopped to think about it, I guess it would probly still be in there, because I would have realized that it would HURT to pull it out. Luckily (or unluckily?) I do not usually ever stop to think.

So it looks like a vampire bit me on the upper thigh, which opens up a whole line of fantasy-type thinking which I will definitely explore at a later moment, and it hurts like freakin' frackin' fuck, but what are you gonna do?

I swear, I am an intelligent person with many remaining brain cells. Hear me now and believe me later.

The headboard rocks.


What kind of dream are you?

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Link from Sickside

Update on the Pop-up war: I found a freeware pop suppressor called NoPops which is working pretty well. You have to take the time to add the captions at the top of each window, but once you do, you never see that little sucker again! I'm loving it.

I have Nathan's hot dogs, so I'd better go have one. Yes indeed, I eat hot dogs for breakfast.

1/14/03 People I see at work:

Little Oriental Woman
Comes in at 5 minutes to 9 when we close the doors at 9PM. Wants to screw around 'till 9:20 browsing. Wants us to modify all the prices so she gets things on sale, even tho the sale starts tomorrow. We hate her.

Fed-Ex Guy
Good-looking guy (all the girls agree) who they all see all the time cuz they work the register, and I hardly ever get to see cuz I work the floor. Carson Daly type with buzz-cut and nice biceps, good smile. The Fed-Ex uniform takes away, tho. Would like to see him in old levi's and a wifebeater. *sigh*

Thieving Girl
Used to come into the other store across town when I worked there. Was rude to me once, but I held my ground and now she is civil. I suspect she was caught over there, cuz now she comes over here and acts suspicious as ever. I suspect she is abused by her BF cuz she shows up with black eyes from time to time.

Extreme Make-up Alcoholic Woman
Always buying Milwaukee Light cases. Skinny and fragile-looking. Has beer belly and does the clown-thing with her cosmetics. Always remarks that the beer is for her husband. Feel sorry for her.

Guy Who Sends Money To People in South America
Dude sends $50 a pop via Western Union to various Spanish-type names. Flirts outright with me right in front of his (I thInk) wife. She never says anything. Guy is not a looker in any way. Suspect he may be a minister or something? Or has a lot of illegitimate kids.

Girls From the Dentist's Office
When I took Johnny in there after two years with no insurance, he had cavities out the ying-yang. When the substitute dentist told me $1500, I started crying. He acted like I was a horrible person. They never mention it, plus, they told me "We didn't like that guy- thank goodness he's gone." *hugs*

Super Good-Lookin' Guy, who I have had a thing for since forever. Has young Robert Redford thing going, except with 2-foot blonde ponytail, and hot little butt. Would like to see him with his hair down and a towel wrapped around his waist. GAA! Buys Natural Light 12-packs and Marlboro Lights. Obvious drinking problem, and no money, but who cares? I'm not looking to get hitched or anything.

Got this great idea from Que Sera Sera.

1/14/03 I'm off tomorrow

I'm off tomorrow so I'll stay up late
Crank some tunes and meditate
I can sleep the day away
Once the kid is on his way
I don't have to pay no bills
I don't have to cook
I won't change the kitty box
I won't smell if you won't look
I can stay in bed all day
Dream of the guy I wanna lay
So tonight I'll have some fun
Thanks to Bacardi 151

Thank you... I love you Virginia! Please don't rush the stage.

1/14/03 You haven't lived until you've experienced Gay Boyfriend. Got the link from Ari goes down.

1/13/03 I've been messing around in Netscape 7.0, cuz I heard it had a pop-up suppressor. It seems to work OK, but there are still a couple that are getting thru. I've tried to use NS before, and always gave up- I just can't force myself to use it long enough to get used to the layout. At least now I know it's installed, for those times when the pops are driving me crazy. You can get it here if you like.

Got a really cool link from a small victory. You can go there and create your own comic strips, it's really easy to do and fun! I spent three hours screwing around there. It's called strip creator.

I need a better dictionary. I just saw my site in Netscape- ew! Must fix.

I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep, plus we had to unload a truck at work today, so I'm about dead on my feet. I keep typing A HERF. Good night, sweet prince.

1/12/03 No, I didn't do it. I wrapped the freakin' thing up in a blanket, put it in the backseat of my car, and was ready to go. But all the while I was at work, I kept thinking. I think I realized that the hurt I was feeling was my own, not Johnny's. All the times the ex left me alone to go get stoned with his friends- it brought back all the horror of my marriage and reinforced why I will not get back with him. But the anger I was feeling, while it was partly for Johnny, but mostly for me. And for that reason, the clock is saved. I snuck it back in tonight, no harm, no foul. I told Johnny "two wrongs don't make a right." It's the best I could do to explain these complicated emotions to a 9-year-old. But I think he understood. Smart kid.

And God thanked me - SGLG came in and I had the guts to talk to him and smile at him and we had eye contact. Pretty eye contact. I think he's thinking about me, sometimes. I know I'm thinking about him, sometimes. Ve-e-e-r-r-r-y interesting. He told me, "have a good day," straight eyeball to eyeball contact. OH, YEAH!

1/12/03 Payback's a bitch

I'm taking his 100-year old clock to sell it at the antique shop. He loves that clock. Now maybe he'll remember to at least act like he loves his son. Hit 'em where it hurts, if they won't listen to reason. Bwah!

1/11/03 There was always something more important than us

The ex promised Johnny that they'd be spending all day together today. So last night, he doesn't come home. I made some excuses about what maybe happened, and we went to bed, thinking he'd be here in the morning. No. So I go into work at 1, and still no show. Johnny is starting to worry by this time. Thank God for my neighbors, who have a little boy. They know the ex and his ways, and so they took Johnny over there to play and have dinner, and they showed him a really good time. When I got home at 9, there were signs that the ex had been here, but he was gone again. Johnny does not understand why he wouldn't just call and let us know what's going on. He could have stopped in at the neighbor's. He could have left a note, for Christ's sake. What a way to treat your son. What is wrong with him?

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, and leave Johnny with him. Maybe if he had to be the one who was responsible, he'd have some kind of epiphany and decide to be a stand-up guy. But then I remember how he sluffed the responsibility for his older daughter off on me when we were married. And how, when we separated, he hooked up with the first girl who would have him, and then handed his daughter over to her. There is just no way I could even try and experiment like that, because his judgement can't be trusted. I love my son too much to use him to teach his Dad a lesson. But God, I wish I could.

1/10/03 Take me out behind the barn and shoot me.

I am 14,754 days old, and I have a screaming headache. I think it's been building since day one.

1/10/03 I ran all over the place today trying to get my car legal, and surprisingly, everything went well. No more peering around for cops. Yay! The guy sitting next to me at DMV was wearing sweatpants, black wingtips, and no socks. Maybe he was in Bumfights. I was so worried that I wouldn't get it all done that I left the house without washing my hair. It was all lanky and hanging down and I am sure I looked like I didn't deserve any car, and that I was in Bumfights too, so why am I making fun of Mr. Wingtips? I don't know.

I feel bad cuz I left a post on a blog where I said I had been sober for 5 years, when the truth is, I have not. I have been off drugs for 5 years, but I still drink and I think that counts. In my mind I tend to seperate the two, I guess, I think it is the legal substance/illegal substance thing- a form of justification for my actions and also residue from the Big Bust of '96 (I'll tell you sometime *shivering*) I didn't do it on purpose, but then I thought about it and realized I am a big fat liar. So if anyone comes here and sees this I do apologize for coming off as completely reformed. I am proud of how far I have come, but I don't wanna take a mile when I've gained an inch.

1/10/03 bumfightsHave you heard about Bumfights? Weirdest thing I ever saw.

figwitFigwit stands for "Frodo is grea-, who is that??" An elf from the first LOTR movie has developed a following on the internet. Heh.

Here is a link to Figwit lives.


Stavros is back! Bookmark it. You ain't seen nothing yet.

1/08/03 Death to the Pervs

Just noticed I've been putting '02 on all my entries. Fuh. I'm having a jack & coke and watching 20/20 or Dateline or whatever... about cam girls and modelling websites that feature pre-teens. It's sick! And these parents are letting their kids model bathing suits and lingerie and catholic schoolgirl outfits... what a bunch of complete idiots. They think these people who are frequenting the site can't find their kids cuz they don't have their last names. These idiot mothers obviously never fended off perverted older men during childhood. Or maybe they did, and in some sick way they're trying to make it NOT happen to their kids. I dunno. Who in God's name would let some guy take a picture of their 7-year old in a training bra and post it on the internet? Maybe for the Sears Catalog- but I remember my brothers using that for porn back in the day, along with National Geographic. Idiots! Fucking clueless idiots. It gets even worse when they're 14 and 16, cuz then the photographers can convince them to sneak around behind their parent's backs.

1/07/02 Nothing of note. No highs, no lows. The ex took the hint and left promptly at 11 to give me my hour of me-ness. I was going to comment on what happened over at wKen's cool contest exhibit, but once again I don't have to say a thing- SEB said exactly what I was thinking. I'm still trying to think of an entry- the theme is "I love..." There are so many things I could put in there that I don't know where to start. Maybe I should just yoink on his idea and start a whole page of my own.

1/06/02 I am so tired of the ex sitting here talking to me all night about stuff he finds interesting. I mean, we had some really nice conversation earlier, but I haven't had one moment to myself all day. It's freaking 11:30 and I just want to do a little surfing, catch up on blogs, and write an entry for mine. You know, in case somebody reads it. I just told him I couldn't do two things at once, hint, hint, and he figured it out and fuzzed off. Jeez! I'm giving him a place to stay cuz he fucked up. I did have my own thing going for two years and he never gave a shit. I spent that time alone, figuring out a new direction for my life and working my ass off to get there, while he managed to get arrested and screwed just about anything that crossed his path. Now all of a sudden he wants meaningful verbal intercourse? Get away from me! I have to get up at 6 AM for Christ's sake.

1/06/02 OK, so is Evan from Joe Millionaire hot or what? I won't sneeze at his $19,000. That's $19,000 more than I've got right now. Those poor girls, though. There were only two that I was impressed with, but I'm sure they were picked for their *ahem* attributes, like the potential for backstabbing and catfighting. I didn't intend to watch, but I couldn't stop myself. Really- is anybody gonna end up with anybody after this mess is over? Maybe two of the girls will get together.

OK, Crossing Jordan. A long lost brother? C'mon. And it's JARED. Wait! I know- he's been at the Centre all this time, and now he's found out his true family is in Boston. What the hell were the writers thinking? That show is going down. I'm really pissed because I think CSI: Miami sucks. Guess I'll have to read a book.

1/05/02 Technical difficulties

OK, so since I can't get MT installed, I figure I'll do blogrolling. Which is a lot easier, and I could do it, but when I went to copy all my links in, I said, "what am I doing this for? I already did it once!" So I guess I will not be listed in the blogrolls because I am just. too. lazy. It just seems so much easier to code it myself. Actually, once I got them in there, I could prolly chock out a few minutes a week to update, but the stress- the stress of another thing to do! Ack. I'll probably do it. Cuz I've met so many nice bloggers out here.

Questions that bear answering:

1. Is a pillow behind your back sometimes too much? Is it weird to prefer a hard chair, or the floor?

2. Is it horrible to wish your kid wouldn't come over so you won't have to remember that she's grown up?

3. Is it evil to be jealous of her being with another family?

4. Is it mean to say "stop that," when your kid points out that your eyes are wrinkly?

5. Is it bad to leave songs about fucking on the radio when your kids are in the car?

6. How do you explain when your kid asks you how they crossed orcs with humans to get the Uruk'hai?

*throwing pillow on the floor*

7. Is it really, really evil to lust after someone who you just found out is, gulp, 21 when you are, gulp, 40? This is a fantasy lust, not a real person in my real life.

I am getting a turkey neck. A TURKEY NECK. Anyone out there appreciate the wattle? 35 and older, please.

1/05/02 Bumpersticker seen: REGIME CHANGE BEGINS AT HOME '2004'

1/04/02 I am proud of Abby

what we were sets like the sun,
disappears like a summer promise, and
i can't remember our language anymore.
You are quiet and sad
like lightning is beautiful,
and i am set adrift-
never good with loss
but i love you, and i
will make it to your shore.

1/04/02 Here is the secret:

I'm walking out of the Old Navy, and I haven't gone 20 yards before all the lights start flashing real weird-like. I'm looking at all the people moving around and talking and flailing their arms and hitching up their bags and it seems like THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE. The colors are all flashy and bright. It's like there's a giant disco ball in the top of Potomac Mills or I'm having a flashback except there's no oozing walls and the shapes of everything aren't changing and I am definitely NOT giggling. So I know it's happening again.

The air is hot and stale, and I feel like it is not REAL air, but fake air, piped in air, and I don't think I can breathe it for another minute. I feel like I am gonna puke. All the movement is too much for my eyes and I can't let them rest on any one thing. My heart is fluttering, and my eyes are bugging and my breath comes in shallow little gasps until I realize I am not breathing at all, but holding my breath. So I let it out long and slow and tell myself "breathe." And I feel better as soon as I take a deep breath, but I know I need to go outside so I step it up.

By this time I am very hot, starting to sweat so I stop carefully by a kiosk and take off my coat and hang it over my arm and I start walking again. I walk close to the wall, in case I have to lean against something. I am terrified when I have to cut across, as I am sure that this is the moment when I will pass out. Then I have to rip open the snaps on my fleece because it is really hot and I am dizzy and I do NOT want to fall down in the middle of this place with all these strange people and I have to appear normal. NORMAL. I am just a normal lady leaving the mall. No problems here.

I keep my eyes on the floor because I'm afraid to look up or I will FREAK. OUT. I feel like my eyes are rolling back in my head, and my head is like a balloon and it's about to float up off of my body. The floor is shiny and has lots and lots of lines running through it. My legs feel like rubber and I'm afraid they will stop working and refuse to carry me out to the cold, clean sweet air. But I make it, and I breathe deeply and I sit down on the edge of a big pillar and then I see my kids walking up because this is where we're supposed to meet (see, I haven't lost my mind,) and I jump up and say "Hey! You guys done shopping?"

1/04/02 Happy Birthday to my Dad, who would've been 67 today

I miss you, you old Foster's guzzling, Kools-huffing, La-Z-Boy snoring, crazy-joke-making, tall skinny hair-slicked-back with VO5 motherfucker.

1/03/02 I love blogs. Blogs give me something to do all night. I love the inner circle, the outer circle, the third door down, and the square blogs. I love the triangle blogs. I love the blogs that are shaped like marshmallows. I should fill these words up with clever links to my favorites, but I hate kissing up and I can't figure out which one is triangle. Besides, I don't get that much traffic.

1/03/02 Whew. It's after 11 and I just sat down. Work was really busy, then I had to go get groceries, there was nothing (good) in the house. Got more kerosene in case we're snowed in tomorrow. They're calling for flurries, but one can always hope.

It just keeps raining and raining. The Potomac overflowed its banks, especially in Alexandria, and lots of the little bridges around here are closed off. I hope all this rain means my flowers are going to do well next spring. Last year they looked like brown shrunken stalks after a couple of weeks. Sad. I hearts my flowers.

Now picture me filling up the heater out on the front porch, then trying to carry it back thru the house into the kitchen. It is a big metal cylinder with a wider base, a grill around the outside, and a bucket-like handle. The thing weighs at least 40 pounds (I think it's more) and I have to hold it by the handle and tip-toe across the floor holding it out away from me cuz it's HOT and it swings back and forth and I know if it hits my legs too hard it will bump and the flame will go out and I will be engulfed in noxious fumes. The dance of death, dork-style.

Actually I sat around all morning, so I guess I can't complain. And I got paid time-and-a-half for Christmas and New Year's in my check, so I bought the rug I wanted for the foyer. Nothing like a little home decorating to lift the spirits. I also got stuff to make sesame ginger chicken tomorrow. Don't you just love my life? It truly is fast lane.

1/03/02 Cole Bailey Sr. is my hero. Fuckin' skinheads.

1/03/03 It has been raining and raining and raining. We have a park down the street from our house, and the one pond has risen so high that it has connected with the other pond. Johnny is sure that school is cancelled, but I can't find anything anywhere. We could certainly get to school, since we live in town. But flooding is a big problem for some of the more rural areas around here. When we first moved here 11 years ago, we lived on a road up the street from the intersection of two small rivers. Every time it rained for more than a day straight, the river would rise and the road would be out. So Johnny knows. Aha! Frederick County is two hours late. But that ain't us. *sigh* Gotta go wake him up.

1/01/03 I wrote a long post last night when I was shit-faced, and I can't find it! I coulda swore it was right here, on my default page, in Arachnophilia. Did I not save? There's one more place I can look- hold on.... nope. WTF. Anyway, I was gonna rewrite it cuz it sucked. And apologies to anyone who comes here via their comments today- I hope anything I said last night wasn't too stupid. Agh. There oughta be a law.

The post said something about how my modem went down, so I couldn't get online for most of the night- I think it was God telling me to pay attention to what really mattered. Not that all my online friends don't matter, but they aren't the ones who have to live with me.

And I just went out to the kitchen to pack Johnny's lunch for tomorrow, and I brushed what I thought was a crumb off the counter, and it really turned out to be a ladybug. Which I have heard is good luck to have one in your house. So be careful what you push away, look real close at it.

Hope I didn't just blow my whole karma for '03.
(unintentionally) Livin' on the edge,


12/30/02 Ten things I did not get for Christmas:

1. pretty toes
2. a new coffeemaker
3. a miniature collie named pooks
4. instant-eight-hours-of-sleep pills
5. a shirtless hunk anybody who comes over just to do the dishes and clean the bathroom
6. a shirtless hunk who comes over just to rub my feet after i get off work
7. cool, odd condiments from around the world
8. the death of A, so I don't have to keep hearing about the evil things she does
9. a boyfriend in a band who will write a song about me
10. poetry-writing talent

I did get some really cool stuff though. Thanks to everyone!

12/28/02 OK, I am done bitching

So the ex goes to a party last night, and comes home at 5 am. I know this because he woke me up. So a couple of nights ago I was rubbing my sore neck and he says "hey, can I rub that for you?" and I say "No, thanks." This, I think, is the best decision I ever made.

See, since he's been back I have entertained thoughts of getting back together with him. But wisely, I put them off. I knew that if I gave him enough time, he would be the same guy he was, despite everything he tells me about how much he's changed. Tonight he called me at work and said; "I'm going over to Tony's, do you think Johnny will be alright till you get home?"

Those of you who don't know said ex will probably be like "oh, what's the problem, the guy wants to go over to see his friend," This is why I don't host comments. I, and a lot of other women, know better. Part of the reason I loved this guy was because he was a party guy. But my partyin' days are pretty much over, and his are like the energizer bunny; they just keep going, and going....

I'm putting my money on SGLG (super good-looking guy,) who I have been playing cat-and-mouse with at work for almost a year. If I wanted, I think something would happen. Question is, am I that horny? Hmmm....


12/26/02 Now I am sorry

That I posted that previous entry, because I really do have a lot to be grateful for. Namely my kids. I was just reading some other blogs and no one was ranting- seems everyone had a great day. So I searched for the things that were good in mine, and I did come up with a few. Namely my kids. Turns out the ex blew me off cuz his other ex gave him the go-ahead to see his daughter. I can understand that. I still think he manipulated me into dealing with his parents, and for that he will die. All the other stuff, I'm still taking names. And I will kick some ass. Yeah, I can be like that.

12/26/02 Everyone around here is fucking worthless except for me

I am so royally pissed off right now. I have had about 5 hours sleep in the last two days because I was running around trying to make sure that everything went OK and everyone had a good Christmas. I cooked a huge meal, but do you think anybody lifted a finger to clean up today while I was out picking up all their gifts from the various family members that they didn't want to deal with? NO.

My gas cap broke off, and I couldn't get it out to put gas in the car, so I had to borrow my daughter's. I asked the ex to look at it when he got home, but do you think he did it? NO.

There's a huge pile of laundry and a filthy kitchen, but did anybody who was sitting here all day doing nothing throw a load in or wipe off the counter? NO.

My boss scheduled me from 8 to 11 this morning, that's right, three hours, so he wouldn't have to get off his butt and come in early the day after Christmas- a day which I was supposed to have off. Three hours of sleep I desperately needed. After which I had to take my daughter to the doctor cuz she got sick last night.

And speaking of last night, I ran all over town to all the 7-11s, which were the only stores open, looking for Cranberry juice, which they didn't have, so finally I took my keys and went down to work and got it there. After which everybody sat down and played a rousing game of scrabble, but I was so freaking tired I feel asleep and missed all the fun and nobody seemed to care if I was there or not.

So it's 10:30 and I just walked in the door after almost falling asleep at the wheel a hundred times, so I had to keep pinching myself and blasting myself with cold air so I wouldn't kill anybody, and still the assholes of Fairfax County wanna cut you off and speed by you honking their fucking horns when you're doing the speed limit and acting like there's something wrong with you when all you're trying to do is get home without dying.

The worst part is I wanted to make some food for my coworker who is laid up and all alone, who has been a good friend to me, and because of all this shit I never got around to it. And it makes me feel terrible cuz she was probably the one who needed something most.

So I want to thank Mark for picking TJ up, and Abby for being understanding, and Johnny for being sweet, and TJ for picking up the wrapping paper, and for coming with me to the in-laws that I swore I'd never deal with again. Everyone else can kiss my ass.