In November, I thought:
11/24/02 Having to plunge the toilet at 11:30 when you're drunk is a horrible, quite evil thing. Being tired of all the songs you have on your hard drive is even worse. Remember that. For posterity, ya know?

And why is it that the lovable, yet small-brained kitty always nudges your hand right as you're about to set the saucer on the floor, causing the milk to spill?

I just realized I should have gone to bed an hour ago. Night!

11/24/02 Got a wild hair and rearranged the house today. When we moved in, I just wanted to get everything in here and get settled, but lately I've been looking around and thinking "hey, that would look better over there," or "I should move that to the bedroom" and stuff like that. So, I started today, and it looks great! There's still stuff to be done, but I'm happy. And tired. And sore in places I forgot about. Sprained my wrist, or something. If you turn it the wrong eay it hurts like a mother f***er.

Spent the weekend with T and Johnny and Mark and Abby and Danny. It was great, had a good time. There was lasagne, there was a concert (TJ sang with the Swindlers- I hope they got a picture!) There was D&D- third edition, we're learning it. There was sleeping in.

made me coffee on Sunday morning.

11/22/02 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was great. Loved Dobby, the car, the spiders, and the basilisk. Ron does the cute screwed-up face thing so well. And that old castle is just way cool.

Hung out with the kids today, and did a bunch of stuff around the house. Now I'm sitting down to drink a coupla smirnoff ices. mmm.

The kerosene heater is doing a good job of keeping the place warm. It is suppoed to heat 1,000 sq. ft., so if I close off the rooms we barely use and put it in the middle of the foyer, which is two-story, the heat spreads out down here and also goes upstairs. We just have to use space heaters sometimes at night in the bedrooms.

A lot of people around here use these heaters, in fact, there was a line at the kerosene pump yesterday. They can be unsafe if not used correctly, but I am following every guideline. Last year we huddled upstairs in the bedrooms using the electric heaters, and that was a real drag after a while. This year I'm trying an alternative, and it seems to be working. This is, however, only November. Get back with me in late Jan- early Feb, when the temps really dip. eek!

All in all, life is good. Bring on The Two Towers!

11/21/02 it's oh so quiet

It's 10:48 and all's quiet on the western front. Johnny finally went off to sleepyland, Ab and Dan are holed up in (her) their room, I'm downstairs with a muted tv and IMs from some friends... I just thought about it and it's very quiet. Not usual for my house.

Lotsa stuff happened today, and tonite while I was working, but it's all little stuff and only important to me. I would have to explain too much to let you get a feel for it, but suffice it to say that my old mind is churning and the times, they are a-changin'.

A sign: all my socks matched up in the laundry. hm...

11/20/02 come and join the party. dress to kill

Are you feeling bad? Rough day at work? Ramen noodles for the last 4 days? I got your solution: download Eminenece Front by The Who. Play it loud. No, I mean LOUD. Grab your son and dance. Laugh. Yell. Shake your ass. Try to do the bump. Repeat using George Clinton's Bring on da Funk.

musical alternatives:
suck my kiss- red hot chili peppers
i want you bad- the offspring
one step closer- linkin park
play that funky music white boy- kc and the sunshine band
down with the sickness- disturbed
last child- aerosmith

11/19/02 Wheeeee! I'm watching Harry Potter on HBO. I missed the first two episodes of 24, so I'm not into it this season.

Abby, bless her heart, went to the grocery store for me while I was at work. She works right along with me to keep the house running. She watches Johnny for me. If I could marry that girl, I would. I hope her maturity just comes from her personality, and not from necessity cuz of the life she led being my daughter. *sigh* I probably suck.

i really do love uGetting ready to go to my Mom's for Thanksgiving. This is always a stressful event. Ab doesn't even want to go, since they had a fight a few weeks ago, but I'm trying to get her to maintain contact with them (my mom, brother and sister all live in the same house,) since they are family. But I can't say much, since I deserted them chose to live my own life and maintained little contact with them for years. After my dad died three years ago, I realized everything I was holding against him really wasn't that bad. Since I've been a parent now for many years, I do understand some of the things that they did. Other things, I still do not get.

Anyway. My relationship with Mom is, of course, a long and complicated thing. Someday I may get into it- you'll probably hear a little something after we spend the holiday- but the bottom line is, even tho she does what Moms are supposed to do, and she stands up for me when I really need it, my mom doesn't really like me very much, i don't think.

I do appreciate everything she does for me. I say thank you. I hug her, and kiss her on the cheek. I think she likes it. I try to help her. I gave her a kitten for her birthday, cuz she's all alone in the house, and I think she's lonely. At first she tried not to take it. But I told her to try it for a week, and if she decided she didn't want it, I would take it back. By all accounts, it seems to have perked her up. She spoils the kitten, and takes pics of it and stuff.

Am I crazy? Can these two things happen next to each other? Can she love me and not like me? Have I done something that hurt her so badly that she can't be close to me? Could I have done this when I was a kid? 'Cuz that's how long it's been going on. Meanwhile, my daughter is getting the same vibes from her that I have always felt. It's as though we have disappointed her in some way. I will need more years, more alcohol, and possibly more drugs to sort this out.

11/18/02 A true day off

Nothing. I did nothing. Well, I drove Johnny to school this morning (changed from my purple leopard-print pajama pants first- I know various school officials and parents thank me). Went to get more kerosene and went to the Wendy's drive-thru. Tried the mandarin chicken salad- I deem it mediocre. But what did I expect?

Then I surfed the wonderous web for the- rest- of- the- day. Ten hours, at least. What is wrong with me? It was a beautiful day- breezy, chilly and perfect for walking. But the linky goodness kept calling to me (scarfed that line from Fussy). And I did find lotsa good new stuff. Left many comments on many good blogs.

And it didn't rain.

11/17/02 my soul will have to wait

the job wants your best shot
the ex wants to fuck with your head
the kid wants attention
the older kid wants to be left alone
the oldest kid wants to talk
the fat cat wants milk in a saucer
the heater needs to be put out
the tv says nothings on
the body wants a drink
and a cigarette
and sleep...
the brain says "i got nothing."

11/16/02 Oh, please. Nice try, fuckos. Now try explaining this to your kids when they reach the age of 9 or 10. Anybody can get a toddler to repeat something Mommy said. Yer wasting yer time in the real world.
LInk from blogatelle.

11/15/02 the sky was striped this morning

what a funky tree eh? Don't you love the tree in my front yard? It was half-dead, so we had some work done to it a coupla years ago. This is what the tree guys left us with! I live in a small town and lots of the houses around here still have tin roofs. The guy on the next street over has a goat!

11/14/02 Heh.

11/13/02 Love

Under the blurry air, and in the right conditions
maybe you get involved- you can realize
your punk-ass wishes, you find that they're
closer than a kiss.
Then on the second day
it becomes a skeleton to pull apart,
and you stand in a pile of bones in front
of a mirror, unearthing
some marrow memories;
your son's distant screaming-
your daughter's under-feeling-
the souls you lost along the way
the jury finds you guilty.
The courtroom reaches a fever pitch-
it's best to plug your ears.

11/12/02 My mouse is doing that sticky thing

Well hey. Should I mix one more drink? Huh? I have tomorrow off. All I have to do is get Johnny to school by 8:20. I already made his lunch. His jeans are clean. I made brownies to pay S back for lending me his lawnmower. But- I've already had too many drinks and too many cigarettes. Should I? Should I, should I, should I? Huh? Are we there yet?

11/12/02 The return of SGLG

In personal news: Super Good-Lookin Guy made an appearance at my place of work today. Back when I worked there before, a year ago, I was drooling over him on a pretty regular basis. Then some numnut girl told him I had the hots for him, so therefore I couldn't ever look him in the face again.

Well, now it's been a year, and poof! there he was again today. And I didn't care. He's still hot, but I looked him right in the eyes and, miracle of miracles, I did. not. blush. scarlet. No, I kept on popping M&Ms into my mouth like he was any other young-Robert-Redford look-alike with a cool ponytail. When he was walking out, he turned around and looked. MWAH!

In strange and scary news: The guy over at blogjam thought we should be warned about this girl and this girl. I do agree.

In actual news: America's hypocrisy. We extend rights to our own female population regarding procreation. Why won't we help the rest of the world? In the words of the great wonderchicken, politics really chafe my scroat.

11/11/02 Well hey. Stuff is happening at work. The new DM, who I have yet to meet, is foretold by all to be an asshole. He called me tonite and asked about C who works with me. Trouble is, I didn't catch what he wanted to know before we got disconnected. So when M called and asked me to send the order he forgot, I casually mentioned the call. All hell broke loose. Apparently this guy is the evil twin of the evil boss I had at my last job, cuz all the stuff they tell me sounds like the same bullshit I ran away from over there. (These two jobs are right across the street from each other.) So I have travelled a short distance to what I thot was a safe place, and apparently it is not.

I picked up a pack of cigs from work, and I accidentally grabbed non-filters. Shit-fuckin-balls. Non-filters do rake your throat. Steely. You can just feel the carcinogens settling into the long raw stripes. You pick the tobacco off your tongue. You are really killing yourself now.

Don't smoke, you say. heh. heh heh.

11/11/02 What a morning! Somebody just joined my webring! Her site is called over the rainbow. I also saw my name mentioned here. You gotta love someone who calls himself Stupid Evil Bastard.

File this under "More free time than I've seen in 20 years." Aren't peeps the cutest things? Got the link from witchy (see above.)
Now this is some weird shit. Link from fark.

11/10/02 From

To live for art is to live a life of questioning. And if you believe that to live for art demands that every other part of life be moved toward one end, then the question "How shall I live?" is fierce.

11/10/02 Answer me this

Why do they even bother to ask Saddam to disarm? I guess this is what everyone is yelling about. Pissing contests. Total fakeness. Disregard for intelligence. UGH. Did I spell intelligence right?

11/10/02 We took my new (yay!) car over to see T and we all had a blast. His exchange student is named John-Paul. I tried to pump him to see what he liked about America. He thinks it's cool that you can get hamburgers anyplace, not just McDonald's. And he likes that everything is so big. And that there's a whole store devoted only to the Redskins.

This morning as I was cutting the grass, my younger son wandered outside holding a tangerine. The sun was shining, it was crisp and breezy, and yellow leaves were swirling in the air. Johnny was running around and jumping up, chasing the leaves and throwing the peels. Then he lay down in the middle of the yard and looked up at the sky, eating his tangerine.

Sometimes you just get good stuff for free.

11/09/02 I think somebody better put out the big light, cuz I can't stand to see you this way...

B and I sit on my porch and talk. He tells me about sneaking into a concert and smoking his first cigarette in ten years. I tell him about my car getting impounded at the Yes concert that I went to in 1977. I tell him his band should do some Blind Melon covers- they sound kinda like that. He tells me his band mate L likes Blind Melon and he will check it out. I can't believe he is sitting here till 2 AM. What is he here for? It gets cold, and we go inside to get jackets. Back to the porch. He asks for a kiss. This is really cool in my world, by my standards. I don't get this often at all. I give in. I decide to like him. And I get nothing out of it. Well, three nights. One really great one. So I count it as one. But you know, he told me it wasn't happening in that way. And I told him, well, one would be OK. Negotiation between adults. I am grown and I can't stop it now. Fuck.

11/07/02 Update on my son:

Got ahold of him. He seems happier. We're going to get together this Sunday to talk. Thank You and much love.

11/07/02 Me for President

I think, because of the way I grew up, I tend to look at the little picture. What's happening right now. When you're struggling for every dollar and every meal, this is how your mind sets. If you don't get thrown out of your house, if you get something to eat, if you can pay for your electricity and your gym suit, that's all that matters. When you're so focused on your own survival (read: Dad doesn't get drunk and throw a fit and make Mom cry, or worse yet, turn toward you and your wrongdoings,) you have problems focusing on the issues facing other Americans. Anything past today is gravy.

That's why I think I can't get into politics. It's so wide-span. I am against going to war. My common sense tells me that the last war we "hosted" in the gulf was nothing but a postponement of this one. I am against stirring anything up. I'm used to walking on eggshells. I could keep doing it forever. I'm of the mind that, you ferret out the problem, you go and solve it in the dead of night (or when nobody's looking, at least,) and you sneak around the back of the bad guy and fix things in such a way that he can't bring it back on you.

I don't trust these guys who are trying to gain support for action in the gulf. I think if they were really competent, they would take care of it and no one would know. I know millions of people won't agree. They want total openness, they want to be along for every step. Not me. The nurse's daughter is screaming "Cut out the infection! Cut it out while I'm asleep and I can't feel anything! Do it with the least possible amount of sacrifice! When I wake up tell me that you've taken care of it!"

I know it's not that easy. But I wish it was.

11/06/02 This is what you get when I have no beer:

There is nothing to say
There is nothing to saaaaay
'Cuz I have a normal job now
and crazy stuff doesn't happen every daaaay
There is nohing to saaaay.

Thank you.

Actually, L came into my new job today and was really sweet. She told me 5 people have left over there since I did. They were all part-timers, the full-time people are still there. Still, it made me feel kinda good. She and another guy, G, who came in this morning, both told me that at the staff meeting last night, the bosses offered $25 to any employee who could bring someone in there to work. And then $25 more if that person stayed 6 months! Wow is all I can say. Kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Signs that it's too cold to sit on the porch anymore:
I have been stencilling a border all along my foyer and up the stairs. It looks quite nice. I have a plan for some plants hanging down from the two-story stairwell. I hung up the mirror that's been sitting on top of my dresser for two years. I rearranged the dining room and painted the fireplace in there. I cleaned out the back room and threw away a bunch of stuff the ex's GF left here.

What is wrong with me? (part MMLLXXVVIII)
Elections: whatever. I can't get interested. I know I should be. I know I should. I'm a parent, a taxpayer, a citizen, a woman, I'm borderline poverty status. But I can't get my brain to go there. I like football more. *hanging my head in shame*

11/05/02 Went car shopping today, in the rain, cuz it's my only day off. We didn't buy anything. Then we went to Ciro's for lunch and I had a giant steak-and-cheese with peppers, onions and mushrooms. Yum. When we were at the bank this morning, the Fed-ex guy from work came in there. He's cute! Of course, I had just rolled out of bed twenty minutes before. At least I had the foresight to pull my hair up. Ciest la guerre.

11/03/02 you knowI was trying (why, oh why?) to forge relationships within the blogging community. Since I read so many blogs, I felt like I sorta knew some of these people, and some of them I would want to know better. But then a big fiasco happened, over at asmallvictory (scroll down to "the last pity party"), and it made me think jeez, it isn't worth it.

Then I read about fifty posts regarding said fiasco, the final one being this (get a hook for your blog). All these directions on how to make a blog work just don't sit well with me. It has nothing to do with whoever wrote them, I just don't want to do that much work. Plus I don't have the time. Maybe that's the problem I've always had. Groups want you to bend and stretch and get mentors and kiss up to people, and I can't hang.

I prefer relationships that happen naturally, kinda like kindred souls or whatever. This does happen, I swear. I guess it all goes back to my lazy, I'm a freak and a stoner kind of ways. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. I'm too lazy to do anything else.

So far, I've met two people thru my blog, one from a comment I made on hers, and one guy who found it thru a search and liked my poetry.

11/02/02 A strange creature has been discovered in Chile. Hm. Link from meta filter or MeFi as the cool people say.

Tres cool clock using flash. Wish I had the space/bandwidth to put it up here. I'd have to take down all my images, and I like 'em sooo much!

OK, I'm freezing. Gotta go.

11/01/02 I can't believe I haven't heard of this until today: get your war on. I'm getting a t-shirt for sure.

I'm having a terrible time keeping in touch with my 15-yr-old. He's living at his Dad's which is an hour away. Every time I call the phone is busy. He hasn't been online lately, and when he is he'll talk for a minute then put on an away message. I know from grilling his friends that he's pining over a girl that moved to Richmond. He also just started working for the first time, and of course he has school. He is also hosting a german exchange student (I think he goes home any day now tho.)

I know he's busy. But I just try to keep in touch and see what he's up to. He acts like I'm being so nosy! My other kids tell me all kinds of stuff, in actual sentences that last for more than one word! I know they can't all be the same. Actually, he's my special one, cuz he reminds me of me at 15. I miss my son! I was hoping to skip the whole teenage angst thing altogether. *sigh*

How can I keep better track of him when I live so far away? I work all the time, I can't just ride up there for an hour. Well, yes I can. I'm going to have to chase him down.

10/31/02 Wham! Bam! Against the wall

Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
Tangled up in blue

10/31/02 Things on top of my monitor:

i wish i had a million dollars
an ugly black clock
a little troll
a turtle whose head jiggles
a small rubber pig
a silver pin that says "wish"
a daycare swindlers button
a peice of fool's gold
a tiny toy llama

What's on your monitor? Post it, and I will read.

10/31/02 Here's some Halloween links for you

The Blood Countess. What a sicko!
My Pet Skeleton. Very cool art site.

10/30/02 Googlism for: kris

kris is a 46' bay built boat
kris is page
kris is done
kris is back
kris is in need of a loving home in nc

Heh. Got the link from blog eat blog. More cool places:

euh, an art project blog. Never seen a menu like that before.
memepool, kinda like Fark.

10/30/02 The strange fears of the girl next door

Doesn't it freak you out when your monitor creaks? I picture it exploding in my face- all the shards digging into my skin, and rivulets of blood running down. The good thing is I wear glasses. They're like little shields, so they would save my eyes. Finally, something about having glasses that beats not having them. (Even tho I had to imagine it, and it was all gory and stuff.) Nah-nah-nah nah nah nah.

There's a variation on this explosion fantasy involving my kerosene heater. In it, my legs get blown off and bleed uncontrollably. Bones are sticking out of the stumps. There are also horrible third degree burns- think war movies with land mines. I am constantly worried about the status of the heater and the status of the fuel. I call my kids every couple of hours to make sure the place hasn't blown up. If Abby isn't here (she's 18) I don't run it at all.

Some fucker just knocked on my door and tried to sell me cancer insurance. At least I think that's what he was trying to do; he kept dancing around exactly why he was here. I kept putting him off in a nice way but he just kept talking about how nobody's ready for the toll cancer takes. No shit, sherlock. My Grandpa and my Dad died of cancer. Never was ready, never could be ready, never will be ready. *grumbling* Make me stand in the doorway and let all the cold air into the house. *more grumbling* stupid fucker.

10/29/02 Steel Reserve beer will rock your world.

No matter how full you are, it will take your mind to the pleasant fuzzy place. Fuck Natural Lite, which you can drink tons of and will make you wake up with a headache. I am all for getting the most for your money.

There's so many blogs, and I've been reading all of them tonite- but I'm finding nothing worth passing on. But then again, i haven't made anything worth passing on either, so there you go. It's just that kinda night.

10/29/02 More evidence of my pussiness

I posted a comment on another blog. The post was about being a single Mom and having to deal with your husband's new wife, listening to snide comments she makes to your child, etc. Well, I put up with this for a few years when I was married, and it's a sore spot for me. Plus, I was tipsy. So I posted that some people should just be shot, or, at the very least, beaten with a bat. I still feel this way about A. I would not help her if she was dying. Seriously.

Well, I recieved in my email two notifications that someone had responded to my comment. Should I go and look at it? What if they didn't like it? What if they are stepmothers and are pissed at me? (For the record, I have been on both sides- a stepmom, and a mom of kids with a stepmom.)

Anyway, I'm a pussy and I can't go there and look until I'm sure I can handle it. Something like that, if it's bad, can ruin my entire day. And make me feel shitty for a week. Am I weird?

Link of the day:

10/28/02 Slugs can really throw you off

Just stepped on a slug in the kitchen. Explosive gut spewage. ugh. Where are they coming from? Then I threw the can opener in the trash and put the beer top in the silverware.

10/27/02 phaeton So the trip to Williamsburg was a success. We had two beautiful days, sunny and warm. I pigged out on shrimp and steak and root beer. I had one bite of spoon bread- that was enough. And I bought a pretty (teeny, tiny) painting for the dining room. Got lots of pictures, tho I won't bore you with them here. I think I'll make a gallery of gates, since 50% of the pictures I took are of the cool gateways they have down there. When I have them ready I'll put up a link. I will touch on the Edgar Allen Poe Tea. It was pretty cool. I knew it was going to be a poetry reading, but I didn't know there were refreshments! Little cucumber sandwiches and little pastries and tea and actual crumpets.

The actor who did the Poe reading was very good. He did some conversational-type stuff, the best part of which was "What is a drunkard? Someone we dislike who drinks as much as we do." Then he recited The Bells, Annabelle Lee, and The Raven. The best part was The Cask of Amontillado. My nine-year old son sat wide-eyed as he acted out the parts of Fortunato and Montresor meeting on the street.

We were a little nervous stopping in the gas stations & stuff. But it looks like the horror has ended. It's really sad that we have to think like that. I yelled at my kid "Get in the car!" when he wasn't going fast enough. There were treelines everywhere.

10/25/02 Bow down to fatmouse. There is no escape.

10/24/02 Thanks, Moose! Now let's kill 'em.

10/23/02 Happy Birthday Johnny!! 9 years ago at 1:14 AM, a little white-haired guy was born. He screamed all night.
I remember. Love you, pooks!

Hardy har har.